Three men convicted of producing the class B controlled drug opium were each jailed… In each man’s case Judge McDonald took two years’ jail as the starting point for sentence.

It takes radio signals more than a decade to reach this offworld colony. (Something about the speed of light.) So, having lived through the eighties at Reagan’s ground zero, I get to live through them again out here. The worst of all Reagan’s horrors, the Drug War, is just hitting its stride here, even as it’s losing steam back in Vampire Central. Back there, even bloodsucking monsters like Henry Hyde are deciding they might have been a bit excessive in mandating the death penalty for anyone caught with a quarter-gram of powder. Hyde got a cameo role in Traffic and, like any red-blooded American, changed his convictions instantly in exchange for a bit part, a moment being petted poolside by a bevy of Malibu Stacies. A repellent tableau, certainly; but if that’s all it takes, why not find a bit part for every Republican drug warrior? Have Soros fund huge fake Hollywood parties for every slavering Phalangist in DC! Rent a few blondes, a cheesy Elks Hall, deck it out with limos and fake cameras! Stage an entire fake Academy Awards ceremony at which Hyde, Jesse Helms and Ashcroft are the leading contenders for Best Actor, nominated for their role in dueling anti-DEA epics! Let them make tearful acceptance speeches that go on for hours, if only they’ll stop sending harmless nerds to a lifetime as the maytag of D Block. (more…)

A [sic] BEFORE DYING

Dear editor.

Now that i have retired i would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all the support that you’ve given me over the years. But i still think that you’re papers full of shit!!!!

LOVE

BORIS??????

Dear Mr. ??????,

Are you ever going to die? Folks, we think it’s time to cut the bullshit here and to lay odds on the first Moscow Ghoul Pool of the third millennium. Send us your swami-soothsayer guesses as to when you think Yeltsin’s pipes will burst for the last time. (more…)

This is the cover of issue #10 of The eXile, published June 1997.

The world has two extremely opposite opinions about them: 1. The destiny of Jewish tribe is terrible tragedy. It is exceptionally tragical. The Jews are martyrs of History. They are persecuted by non-Jews.
2. The Jews are ruling the world with their enormous accumulations of money. Non-Jews are vampirised by them.

In 1997 prevailing first opinion. In the beginning of 20th Century have had prevailed the second. But what they really are, Jews? (more…)

This is the cover of issue #9 of The eXile, published June 1997.

Could anything be more frightening than the thought of Russian service becoming as full of gushing smiles, how-can-I-help-yous and have-a-nice-days as the average California juice shop? We at the eXile believe that the final death blow to the Russian soul will come not from a glut of bad action films or rampant criminal capitalism, but rather from customer service hotlines. That’s why, when we heard that the world’s most notorious airline, Aeroflot, started up a special phone number for English-speaking customers who wanted to vent their complaints, we decided to act. Do they have any idea how annoying customer service can be? Now they will.

Posing as Ugly American businessman Sam Weiss, we called Aeroflot’s customer complaint hotline (752-9073) and unloaded a barrage of petty, annoying complaints on the innocent customer service helper. (more…)

I can tell you God’s plan for this place very concisely: God created this place as a critique of me.
– John Dolan

I hate this time of the year. Being stuck in the Moscow heat is like unpaid overtime work. Have I mentioned how much I sweat? It’s bad, and it’s ready to come back. Like Mike from last issue’s Tipper’s Tips, any being that has had the misfortune of having my Moroccan torso pumping away on top of them has had to endure gutter drains of sweat… What a sight I must make! I’d hate to have me on top of me! Looking up at me! How many times have I heard:

(more…)