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Fatwah / September 11, 2011

“President Bush reacts with horror to the news that Enron has gone bankrupt”

Happy 9/11, America! To help you celebrate “The Day that Made America Dumb,” we’re offering you “A Very Somber Chris Morris ’9/11 Day’ Special.” Here are some highlights from the great satirist, about whom the legendary culture critic Joel B. Pollak (Harvard Law, ’99) raves, “TOO SOON!”

Let’s start with Chris Morris’s famous live radio broadcast on the day of 9/11, just a few hours after the World Trade Towers were hit. Morris reported live on BBC’s “The Day Today” show interviewing his New York correspondent, Peter O’Hanra-Hanrahan, who issued this unforgettable live report from directly inside the World Trade Center:

Two years later, President George W. Bush announced to the world his intention to liberate Iraq from its corrupt earthly bodily form. However, what most people don’t know is that President Bush delivered two speeches that fateful day: One version for the general public, and this, the “real” rousing speech given to special VIPs. Thanks to Chris Morris’s crack team of reporters, we the general public can now view President Bush’s “Real Iraq War Speech”:

Lest we forget, Mr. Morris teamed up with Armando Iannucci (director of “In The Loop”) exactly six months after 9/11–that is, sometime in early 2002–to take the Observer’s readers back on a trip down Somber 9/11 Memory Lane. Here are some of the highlights of their special “Terror’s March Backwards” timeline:

September

9/11: The attacks change forever the British convention for placing the day before the month in dates.

12th: Washington informs Tony Blair of attack on US.

14th: Airlines report no one willing to fly. Bush insists this is a sign of defiance and commissions Hollywood to make films in which being scared to go on an aeroplane is an act of bravery. Filming immediately commences on an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie called Absolute Refusal about a businessman who cannot face boarding a plane but heroically makes a meeting in Cairo by crossing the Atlantic on a pedalo.

19th: The pop singer Michael Jackson is refused permission to lie down and sing songs from his new album into the World Trade Centre rubble.

27th: There are delays in sending American special forces to Afghanistan when the entire air force refuse to fly in a plane.

30th: Twelve days after the collapse of the World Trade Centre, amazed rescue workers uncover an entire office floor that is still doing business. Despite falling 890 feet and being buried under 12,000 tons of rubble, all workers at Leeman Sachs Trading Inc are unharmed. They have remained at their desks since the bank’s Tokyo HQ saw television pictures of the burning towers, called them up and ordered them to keep working. ‘We were still sitting at our desks when we landed in the rubble,’ said one dealer. ‘I actually completed three transactions on the way down.’ In fact trading at the buried floor has been so good since 11 September, the bank may sue the New York Fire Dept for digging them out.

The FBI denies that this “Bomber Boys” calendar, which sold 50,000 copies before 9/11, could have possibly warned of an impending attack on September 11, 2001.

October

3rd: While donations pour into New York, a suppressed report reveals that a huge benefit concert held last month for victims of the Pentagon attack raised just $21. The show, featuring REM, Bon Jovi, Beck and the Rolling Stones, took place in a purpose-built, 50,000-seat arena on the Pentagon lawn but despite saturation advertising only attracted 74 fans. Sources say that the Pentagon attack, already notorious as ‘a TV dud’, is now badly in need of a relaunch.

16th: Less than two weeks into the bombing campaign, the US admits its new range of smart weapons may be too intelligent. Sources say the $7m Supersophic missiles have a range of only 50 metres because less than a second after launch the onboard computer has worked out that violence only leads to more violence and that all war is futile. Realising there’s no point any more, the weapon either deliberately crashes itself into a beautiful woman or flies back home to America to spend the rest of its days buzzing round a farm. The Pentagon orders that, from now on, missiles must be ‘no more intelligent than a steelworker’.

20th: The Pentagon denies reports of civilian casualties and adds that even if there were some, they couldn’t be shown in case they ‘died in shapes that could be code’.

 

November

7th: Described as ‘ill-conceived’, a Broadway production in which New York firemen perform The Vagina Monologues loses after just three days.

21st Success of 9/11 attacks giving al-Qaeda acute ‘second album’ difficulty. FBI sources say the poor quality of follow-up activities reveals al-Qaeda’s dreadful fear that they will never top the impact of the 11 September atrocities.

December

29th: Shock scientific survey proves that America really did have it coming. The results of a new study show that at the time of the 11 September attacks, America was unequivocally asking for it. American researchers at the highly respected Massachusetts Institute of Technology who collated the DNA profiles, conversational attitudes and facial disposition of more than 8,000 Americans are said to be ‘devastated’ by the results. Test supervisor Bill Porman said: ‘I’m sorry to say but spend any time with these people and you start to think, sure, I’d do it, they’re absolutely fucking insufferable.’ Security Chief John Ashcroft is said to be demanding that, from now on, objective scientific research be classified as an act of terrorism.

January

17th: State of the Nation address: Bush declares that countries with which America has ‘unfinished business’ constitute a ‘spindle of atrocity’. These include Libya, Vietnam, Japan, Colin Powell, Germany and the northern anti-slavery states of the US.

February

20th: US is criticised over ‘manipulative’ Olympics opening ceremony in which the entire American team form a human twin towers which is then smashed into by a flying snowboarder dressed as an Arab and carrying the ribcage of a genuine New York fireman. As chained al-Qaeda suspects sing ‘God Bless America’ at gunpoint, 100,000 doves with weights tied to their ankles are released to recreate an engulfing mass of white dust and the crowd tearfully applaud for five hours.

24th: Hosting the film Baftas, Stephen Fry delivers an unspeakably trite and fucked-up heap of shit urging film makers to ‘keep telling stories’ in the face of world events – as if films make any fucking difference to anything, least of all the advancement of peace, as if in fact they don’t more often promote, through piss like Black Hawk Down, the very surfeit of self-regarding superiority that makes the American West so unpopular in the first place. Naturally the audience of actors and industry luvvies spontaneously applaud like the blinkered, solipsistic, self-congratulating cunts they are.

(To see the entire brilliant Chris Morris and Armando Iannucci 9/11 insert in The Observer, click here.)

Meanwhile, lest we forget who the enemy is, Mr. Morris delivered this hard-hitting inside look at the world of jihadis in Britain. For this, we sacrificed it all: Our prosperity, our middle-class, our Social Security and Medicare, our entire economy, and our sanity. All to fight this:

and this:

 

Yes folks: It was, is, and shall be worth the sacrifice. For some day, our grandchildren will look at what we did, and honor our sacrifices by naming us: “The Densest Generation.”

 

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20 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Yousif  |  September 11th, 2011 at 11:51 am

    lol

  • 2. Theresa  |  September 11th, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY IN THE NAME OF ISLAM

    1) The September 11 2001 massacre was done ‘in the name of Islam.’
    By Bin Laden’s open declared “holy war” Jihad against Christians and Jews, as he openly admitted the crime as a jihad. [books.google.com/books?id=fNqdmUnqTJUC&pg=PA70] In fact, Bin Laden denounced US ‘ presence in Saudi Arabia already in 1994 [books.google.com/books?id=kpHaCDAQcgUC&pg=PA301].

    2) By ringleader of the 19 Arab-Islamic hijackers: Mohammed Atta, who gave directions to shout “Allah Akbar.” [books.google.com/books?id=c6obAQAAMAAJ&q=atta] [nytimes.com/2002/07/07/books/chapters/0707-1st-dsouz.html?pagewanted=2] [guardian.co.uk/world/2001/sep/30/terrorism.september113]

    2) And as al-Qaeda terrorists bragged on al-Jazeera shouting just that [edition.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/meast/09/12/alqaeda.911.claim] when they saw the images of the flying planes into the buildings that butchered 3,000 and injured 6,000 innocent people.

    3) Just as the (grandchildren of Arab immigrants who use civilians causing their deaths in order to appear as “victims.” Those that call themselves since 1960s exclusively as) “Palestinians” celebrated the attacks shouting “Allah akbar.” [nytimes.com/learning/general/onthisday/big/0911.html] [pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/israel.palestine/campagna.html]

    Let’s not forget, despite of some “political” rationalizations and justifications. [This and other] jihad’s ultimate goal of ‘world domination’ or “world domination design” under repressive radical Islam rule, or “Islamic State,” or “Caliphate”. Straight from the horse’s mouth. [theage.com.au/news/war-on-terror/alqaeda-chiefs-reveal-world-domination-design/2005/08/23/1124562861654.html]

    See more: HISTORY – Time line [some] Important dates in radical ‘ISLAM VS WORLD’ http://islamism-arabism.webs.com/History.html

    Yabba-dabba-doo! Christians and Jews have never harmed a single hair on anyone’s chiny-chin-chin!

  • 3. Anathame  |  September 11th, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Yabba-dabba-doo indeed.

  • 4. Timur The Lame  |  September 11th, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    @Theresa
    Are the leaves changing already at Langley?

  • 5. radii  |  September 11th, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Huxley was more right than Orwell:
    we have a dumbed-down population too distracted and ignorant of their own self-interest to pursue the truth wherever it leads and now safely monitored by the state

  • 6. radii  |  September 11th, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    @Timur

    Theresa is a paid zio-troll or more likely for the Near East Division at the State Dept. which is essentially Tel Aviv West

  • 7. iCONOCLAST  |  September 11th, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Noam Chomsky says some pretty hilarious shit every now and then.

  • 8. Sam  |  September 11th, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    The bit about the Olympics has caused me to approach the precipice of pants wetting laughter on more than one occasion. Morris for PM.

  • 9. ricky the impotent horse  |  September 12th, 2011 at 5:29 am

    Theresa i fail to see how your post is relevant at all.

  • 10. DK  |  September 12th, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Of course it’s not relevant, just more trolling. Wouldn’t be surprised to see it copied verbatim on comments sections everywhere.

  • 11. Marcos Navarro  |  September 12th, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    What the hell happened to the old eXile site? I just went to look for the old classic “Gas Middle America”, and found myself redirected to the current site, with the message that the article doesn’t exist.

    I can understand wanting to scrub your more politically incorrect past, but what about your faithful readers who truly enjoyed your old filth? The old site had 90% of the War Nerd and Dr. Dolan’s articles, some of the best writing in the English language, and now it’s all gone (and yes, I know about the War Nerd’s book, and I’ve already bought it, but there were some articles on the old site that didn’t make it in).

    I’m hoping that you’ll eventually upload most of the old stuff to the current site, but I know that’s not likely. Is there ANY plan to make the old articles available? There’s enough shit in this world to be depressed about without losing everything from the old eXile.

  • 12. CB  |  September 13th, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Yeah, that Chris Morris stuff was hilarious when I read it 9 years ago.

    You know what would have really made my 9/11 Tin Anniversary? A new War Nerd article.

  • 13. Tyler  |  September 13th, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    I laughed my ass off at that clip, thanks Exiled.

    4 Lions is the best movie I’ve seen since September 11th. I haven’t enjoyed a movie so much since I got my first hand job during Titanic. Go out and see it!

  • 14. ☭ mouse ☭  |  September 13th, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    @11 i just noticed this from your comment… it seems the original exile.ru website is gone now and redirects here, I hope this is just a transition and that the original material hasn’t been lost. That would be completely heinous

    It woudlnt just be the ‘gas middle middle america’ article that was lost, but a lot of war nerd too

    D:

  • 15. Tyler  |  September 13th, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    Not to mention: Death Porn, The Viagra Challenge, Denis Salnikov, and all the perennial favorites.

    The worst part is that when I visit Moscow now, I don’t even know where to go to chase devchenki around without their handy club guide.

  • 16. rj  |  September 15th, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Isaac Newton, Horatio Nelson, Winston Churchill, Howard Shipman… fuck off. Chris Morris is without a doubt the single greatest Briton ever to grace the surface of this unworthy planet, and I would toss his salad all weekend. Seriously, he’s a good-looking man.

  • 17. Tom  |  September 15th, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Gas Middle America can be found at

    http://www.myspace.com/popfiend/blog/80331928

    although the text is not formatted for ease of reading.

  • 18. Tom  |  September 15th, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    The previous URL points to what appears to be commentary on the Ames article.

  • 19. iCONOCLAST  |  September 17th, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    @11

    Here you go
    http://web.archive.org/web/20101214024005/http://exile.ru/articles/list.php?IBLOCK_ID=35&SECTION_ID=156

    I expect a blowjob to be performed in a timely manner.

  • 20. DtD  |  September 11th, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Oh goddamn that news report is still my favorite 9/11 tribute.
    I can’t fucking believe how insane our country went after that shit. I was a freshamn in high school in Oakland, and I don’t really remember seeming to give much of a shit at the time. It’s a big country, what’s 3k people out of 300 million? So we respond by blowing up Iraq? Weird. Very weird.
    The only honest thing Bush said after that was “We are addicted to oil”. The incident could have brought on some self reflection and rearranged out whole energy sector. Oh well.


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