“President Bush reacts with horror to the news that Enron has gone bankrupt”
Happy 9/11, America! To help you celebrate “The Day that Made America Dumb,” we’re offering you “A Very Somber Chris Morris ‘9/11 Day’ Special.” Here are some highlights from the great satirist, about whom the legendary culture critic Joel B. Pollak (Harvard Law, ’99) raves, “TOO SOON!”
Let’s start with Chris Morris’s famous live radio broadcast on the day of 9/11, just a few hours after the World Trade Towers were hit. Morris reported live on BBC’s “The Day Today” show interviewing his New York correspondent, Peter O’Hanra-Hanrahan, who issued this unforgettable live report from directly inside the World Trade Center:
Two years later, President George W. Bush announced to the world his intention to liberate Iraq from its corrupt earthly bodily form. However, what most people don’t know is that President Bush delivered two speeches that fateful day: One version for the general public, and this, the “real” rousing speech given to special VIPs. Thanks to Chris Morris’s crack team of reporters, we the general public can now view President Bush’s “Real Iraq War Speech”:
Lest we forget, Mr. Morris teamed up with Armando Iannucci (director of “In The Loop”) exactly six months after 9/11–that is, sometime in early 2002–to take the Observer’s readers back on a trip down Somber 9/11 Memory Lane. Here are some of the highlights of their special “Terror’s March Backwards” timeline:
9/11: The attacks change forever the British convention for placing the day before the month in dates.
12th: Washington informs Tony Blair of attack on US.
14th: Airlines report no one willing to fly. Bush insists this is a sign of defiance and commissions Hollywood to make films in which being scared to go on an aeroplane is an act of bravery. Filming immediately commences on an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie called Absolute Refusal about a businessman who cannot face boarding a plane but heroically makes a meeting in Cairo by crossing the Atlantic on a pedalo.
19th: The pop singer Michael Jackson is refused permission to lie down and sing songs from his new album into the World Trade Centre rubble.
27th: There are delays in sending American special forces to Afghanistan when the entire air force refuse to fly in a plane.
30th: Twelve days after the collapse of the World Trade Centre, amazed rescue workers uncover an entire office floor that is still doing business. Despite falling 890 feet and being buried under 12,000 tons of rubble, all workers at Leeman Sachs Trading Inc are unharmed. They have remained at their desks since the bank’s Tokyo HQ saw television pictures of the burning towers, called them up and ordered them to keep working. ‘We were still sitting at our desks when we landed in the rubble,’ said one dealer. ‘I actually completed three transactions on the way down.’ In fact trading at the buried floor has been so good since 11 September, the bank may sue the New York Fire Dept for digging them out.
The FBI denies that this “Bomber Boys” calendar, which sold 50,000 copies before 9/11, could have possibly warned of an impending attack on September 11, 2001.
3rd: While donations pour into New York, a suppressed report reveals that a huge benefit concert held last month for victims of the Pentagon attack raised just $21. The show, featuring REM, Bon Jovi, Beck and the Rolling Stones, took place in a purpose-built, 50,000-seat arena on the Pentagon lawn but despite saturation advertising only attracted 74 fans. Sources say that the Pentagon attack, already notorious as ‘a TV dud’, is now badly in need of a relaunch.
16th: Less than two weeks into the bombing campaign, the US admits its new range of smart weapons may be too intelligent. Sources say the $7m Supersophic missiles have a range of only 50 metres because less than a second after launch the onboard computer has worked out that violence only leads to more violence and that all war is futile. Realising there’s no point any more, the weapon either deliberately crashes itself into a beautiful woman or flies back home to America to spend the rest of its days buzzing round a farm. The Pentagon orders that, from now on, missiles must be ‘no more intelligent than a steelworker’.
20th: The Pentagon denies reports of civilian casualties and adds that even if there were some, they couldn’t be shown in case they ‘died in shapes that could be code’.
7th: Described as ‘ill-conceived’, a Broadway production in which New York firemen perform The Vagina Monologues loses after just three days.
21st Success of 9/11 attacks giving al-Qaeda acute ‘second album’ difficulty. FBI sources say the poor quality of follow-up activities reveals al-Qaeda’s dreadful fear that they will never top the impact of the 11 September atrocities.
29th: Shock scientific survey proves that America really did have it coming. The results of a new study show that at the time of the 11 September attacks, America was unequivocally asking for it. American researchers at the highly respected Massachusetts Institute of Technology who collated the DNA profiles, conversational attitudes and facial disposition of more than 8,000 Americans are said to be ‘devastated’ by the results. Test supervisor Bill Porman said: ‘I’m sorry to say but spend any time with these people and you start to think, sure, I’d do it, they’re absolutely fucking insufferable.’ Security Chief John Ashcroft is said to be demanding that, from now on, objective scientific research be classified as an act of terrorism.
17th: State of the Nation address: Bush declares that countries with which America has ‘unfinished business’ constitute a ‘spindle of atrocity’. These include Libya, Vietnam, Japan, Colin Powell, Germany and the northern anti-slavery states of the US.
20th: US is criticised over ‘manipulative’ Olympics opening ceremony in which the entire American team form a human twin towers which is then smashed into by a flying snowboarder dressed as an Arab and carrying the ribcage of a genuine New York fireman. As chained al-Qaeda suspects sing ‘God Bless America’ at gunpoint, 100,000 doves with weights tied to their ankles are released to recreate an engulfing mass of white dust and the crowd tearfully applaud for five hours.
24th: Hosting the film Baftas, Stephen Fry delivers an unspeakably trite and fucked-up heap of shit urging film makers to ‘keep telling stories’ in the face of world events – as if films make any fucking difference to anything, least of all the advancement of peace, as if in fact they don’t more often promote, through piss like Black Hawk Down, the very surfeit of self-regarding superiority that makes the American West so unpopular in the first place. Naturally the audience of actors and industry luvvies spontaneously applaud like the blinkered, solipsistic, self-congratulating cunts they are.
Meanwhile, lest we forget who the enemy is, Mr. Morris delivered this hard-hitting inside look at the world of jihadis in Britain. For this, we sacrificed it all: Our prosperity, our middle-class, our Social Security and Medicare, our entire economy, and our sanity. All to fight this:
Yes folks: It was, is, and shall be worth the sacrifice. For some day, our grandchildren will look at what we did, and honor our sacrifices by naming us: “The Densest Generation.”
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