Photographic evidence of Tibet’s military, circa 1950
FRESNO, CA — Writing a column on the military history of Tibet seemed like a good idea in the good old days, a week ago, before I started actually trying to research it. I’ve never, ever had a harder time finding decent info on a topic.
One reason is sheer shame; the Brits, for instance, don’t want anybody to know they invaded Tibet in 1904 and slaughtered a whole bunch of Tibetans for no reason except they were bored.
But some of the stuff on Tibetan military history is just so damn weird it made me feel like that scene in Ghostbusters where Rick Moranis gets possessed by some ancient demon and starts ranting: “During the rectification of the Vuldronaii the Traveller came as a very large and moving Torb. Then of course in the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants they chose a new form for him, that of a Sloar. Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day I can tell you.” (more…)
They asked me to think about how war would change over the next 150 years for the eXile’s anniversary issue. Weird to think about it: wars going on when you’re dead. My doctor told me it’s maybe 15 more years for me…I’ve got every cardiovascular symptom you get when you’re fat and bitter and pretty much hate life. So whatever happens, I won’t have to worry. I kinda like that. It’d be nice to think that all you fuckers’ll just wipe each other out. Serve you all right.
More expensive bluff stuff
rusting in the rain
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Last column I asked readers to suggest wars that’d be more fun for the US to get involved in than Colombia. I got some great answers — and thanks everybody who wrote in — but when I looked into the options they suggested, I just got depressed. Because I realized that we’re not going to do any of these cool military adventures — and even if we did, it’d be for all the wrong reasons. (more…)
Every day America gets deeper into the shit in Colombia. We’re dumping planeloads of cash on the Colombian army — $1.5 billion is what Rumsfeld’ll admit, so you gotta assume it’s more like ten billion with the rest squeezed through the usual CIA laundries. Colombia’s got this new gung-ho president Uribe, and he says he’s gonna ratchet up the war against the rebels, which makes Bush and Ashcroft and the DEA real happy.
The big rebel group, FARC, have this “bring it on” attitude too. They’re always on the lookout for new ways to kill people. They even hired three ex-IRA guys to show’em how to make remote-launched mortars, and learned so fast they damn near blasted el Presidente right off the platform at his own inauguration. (more…)
What’s a Chechen? It sounds like the start of a joke, but there’s no punchline. I’m supposed to write about the war in Chechnya this issue, but…the war itself is kind of interesting, but something’s missing. Maybe you don’t realize it over in Moscow, but nobody in the US cares about Chechnya. At all. Maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time writing about it.
– No, it’s sort of more complicated than that, because not caring should make it easier to be a war fan. I probably wouldn’t even want to write about wars where people I care about were getting killed, so maybe it’s better not to care. (more…)
I told you so. Told you nothing would happen with India and Pakistan. Told you the whole idea of “Hindu militants” was laughable.
But Christian militants — that’s a whole ‘nuther thing. Christians are stone killers. You put a Christian and a lion in an arena and I’ll bet Toyotas to Subarus the Christian’ll have the lion for lunch. Just look around you: lions are just about extinct, but the whole world is full of Christians singin’ about God’s love, ready to disembowel anybody who won’t join the chorus. (more…)
Will India and Pakistan ever finish the cat-fight and get on with a real war? “We live in hope,” like my grandma used to say — but don’t hold your breath. Listening to the Indian and Paki generals shaking their little fists at each other, with their little mustaches going up and down, hearing the Indians talk about how their patience is “almost” exhausted — it just gets me down. This fag-slapping shit gives war a bad name. 
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My first fan letter from the eXile was an email from some guy in Michigan who wanted the latest news on Tom Clancy. Yeah sure, that’s why I’m here — to help you kiss that rich fat coward’s ass. For a while I couldn’t believe anybody’d be stupid enough to think I’d be a fan of Clancy’s. You may think that all war-nerds are equal, but they’re not. There are three big differences between Clancy and me: 
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Ever seen a Monster Truck show? They’re big in Fresno. The thrill is watching civilian cars get crushed by giant 4×4’s. But it’s nothing compared to the monster truck show the Israelis have put on in the last few weeks. I can’t get enough of those car-crushing shots. You know, this 61-ton Merkava 3 MBT grinds down Arafat Avenue in Ramallah or Jenin, “accidentally” scronching a whole row of cars. (more…)
