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eXile Classic / June 29, 2006

Currently, there are somewhere between 5 and 7 million children in America diagnosed with ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder. Some of them have been fed small doses of amphetamine since they four or five years old. And that’s freaking out a whole lot of people.

Adderall XR is already illegal in Canada due to its alleged role in kiddie heart attacks: And the drug perks that come with being diagnosed with ADD/ADHD in America may not be around forever. As more and more studies documenting widespread ADD medication abuse cause panic among the medical community, the FDA may soon tighten control over the wonderful amphetamine-based ADD medication.

That means that Adderall and Ritalin – the two perennial favorites of recreational pharmaceutical stimulant connoisseurs – may be much harder to get a hold of. The older generation ADD meds are being put under a question mark with the release of new non-amphetamine ADD drug called Strattera. This new drug’s claim to fame is that it is amphetamine free and hence, euphoria free. And according to the doctors, that’s a good thing. What a great country America is, always trying to find a way to amputate fun from anything. Apparently they don’t think that medication should be enjoyed.

The beauty of ADD lies in the fact that there is no standardized clinical test to diagnose the disorder. No one knows what causes it. The only thing the medical professionals know is that amphetamine delivered in small continuous doses relieves most of ADD’s symptoms. So the trick is to convince your shrink that you have ADD. And what’s nice is that anyone can fool the system, as long as they know what to say and how to act. It’s all very simple, really, all it takes is a bit of memorization.

I recently went undercover in America to find out just how to successfully trick a shrink into believing you are one of the 4% of the American adult population that’s suffering from ADD. And although my session didn’t go over too smoothly, I did reach my primary objective. I scored a month’s supply of Adderall XR and boy is everyone thankful. Here is my guide and tips to scoring Adderall, so that you can be as happy and hard-working as I am.

The main thing is to not overdo it with the shrink. You might feel the urge to act the part of a spastic ADD’d out freak, but no matter how strong the urge, avoid it at all costs. Remember, a psychiatrist isn’t a research scientist, he’s not observing you from a behavioral point of view. In fact, he won’t even be looking at you. That wasn’t part of his medical school training. No, his job was to memorize the DSM IV, crunch through dated psychology theories and study human anatomy. Unless they are in research, psychiatrists are programmed to respond to keywords. If asked about your expectations for the therapy session, don’t be afraid to state your primary objective: the drugs. As far as mainstream psychiatrists are concerned, there is only one cure for ADD, and it’s not through daily breathing meditation exercises.

If you fuck up and the psychiatrist begins to doubt your ADD symptoms, don’t lose your fighting spirit, just argue your point. Convince him. Say something about how your condition is fucking with your quality of life. Lay on the cheese, be defeatist. They hear that kind of act everyday of their lives, they’ll agree just so that you’d shut up. That’s what I did when he started doubting my ADD credentials: and it worked.

Psychiatrists are in it for the prescriptions. They are like acid dealers, they want to believe that the stuff they’re pushing is actually helping people get more out of life. Know this and use it against them.

To minimize risk, stick to the facts and don’t delve into episodes from your life. When was the last time someone asked you to remember 6th grade? You can’t remember, and that’s the catch. You’ll be so amused with your childhood memories that you’ll have an overwhelming urge to spill them on your shrink. Don’t: the details of that memory certainly contradict your assumed ADD persona.

Study the following sample questions and you’ll be sure to come out with an FDA certified lifetime meth subscription. All for the price of a $20 per month insurance co-payment. And all it takes is one hour of your attention.

* * *

Stick to these sample Q’s and you’ll pass the ADD test with flying colors.

Childhood & School

Q: How did you perform in grade school?

A: Average to below average. Dependant on tutors just to keep up.

Q: Any behavioral problems?

A: Yes. Talking in class. (Add frequent parent teacher conferences to address school performance for extra ADD points.)

Q: How did you do on lectures in college?

A: Poorly. Trouble attending big lectures. Frequently zoning out, doodling and conversing with classmates. (For extra points, mention that you were only accepted into a community college.)

Q: How did you perform on college exams?

A: Poorly. Frequently cheated to pass. (For a bigger punch, mention periodic self medicating with Sudafed – an over the counter stimulant.)


Work

Q: How many jobs have you held?

A: Take the actual number of jobs and multiply by three.

Q: Are you usually fired or do you quit?

A: Mostly fired.

Q: For what reasons?

A: Inability to carry out job duties and follow instructions.

Personal life

Q: Do you have any hobbies?

A: Yes. List as many things that you like to do as possible. 5 or more over the course of adult life is good. Mention inability to concentrate on more than one consecutive game of billiards at a time.

Q: Do you maintain hobbies for long periods of time?

A: No. Usually only a few months. Video games are an exception.

Q: What is your financial situation? Do you save money?

A: Frequently in debt. Impulsive shopper. Frequently lose or abandon property.

Q: Driving habits?

A: Involved in frequent fender benders. Don’t own a car because of high insurance costs. (For extra ADD points, confide in the psychiatrist that you were always a very nervous driver. People made fun of you for it.)

Q: How many drinks do you consume a week?

A: Two, with a maximum of 5.

Q: Sexual relationships?

A: Difficult to keep up a conversation with the opposite sex. For males, sexual encounters are rare. For females, one-night stands are very frequent. Long-term relationships are very rare. Males, for extra points, talk about constant masturbation and hiring prostitutes.

This article originally appeared in the print edition of The eXile in June, 2006.

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232 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Casey  |  October 28th, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    I wish it were this easy. . . Im seeing doctos through county insurance bc i really need the meds. Ive never been on them but know i have it. Since there docs through the county its hard to get th mds bc the givernment pays fkrbthem & its expensive.

    Its annoying to keep reading shit like this. I started seeking help in aug were going into nov its been 3 months & i still cant get help. Its depressing to hope every other week that ill finally get the meds but this has been an unfortunate reality check for me. . .IT NEVER HAPPENS. And probably wont as long as i have medi-cal…

    I feel like im lying and trying too do something wrong by trying to get treated bc of all of the hype an people abusing it.

    Im glad you guys get the pills that you dont need to work or do anything at all.

  • 2. Lulz  |  October 29th, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    I don’t really have an opinion on this but I did take Adderall once. I don’t have ADD but my buddy does and he gave me some before football practice. Best practice of my life and I managed to write half a paper before I fell asleep that night. I liked it and I don’t see why people are so passionate about making sure people can’t get it.

  • 3. Lulz  |  October 29th, 2013 at 11:32 pm

    Then again, I do constantly masturbate so maybe I do have it

  • 4. Austin  |  February 2nd, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Adderall is wonderful. I don’t find it even remotely addicting and, with no prescription, buy small amounts off friends with intentions to educate myself and complete projects with ease. It’s like NZT. I feel limitless yet I can so easily live without it. Haters can choke on their own pretentious views about this drug. Adderall is abused, but what drug isn’t? It shouldn’t be taken away from the honest “user”.

  • 5. brianna  |  February 6th, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    I was windering where to get some adderalls please reply if you know.
    Xoxo
    :)

  • 6. GetYourShhhTogether  |  March 10th, 2014 at 11:58 am

    Highly energetic post, I enjoyed that a lot. Will
    there be a part 2?

  • 7. LYSANDER SPOON  |  April 25th, 2014 at 10:17 am

    adderall should be available otc along with opium cocaine heroin. the idea that I need someone to look after my best interests is fucking insulting.

  • 8. ryan  |  June 6th, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Jenni saying i hope you die of a drug overdose is fuckedd up why don’t you find a new hobby sweetheart

  • 9. Tiffany Gilbert  |  June 7th, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Please someone help me!! I have suffered from ADHD my whole entire life, and I can’t take it anymore! I’ve tried to get help from several different docs. I’m open to.medication, alternative treatments, herbal remedies, coping skills, ANYTHING!!! They won’t prescribe me, they won’t even.test me because I got really good grades in school. I still suffer all the side effects though! It takes me like twenty minutes to read one pageof a book. How did I get good grades then? I’ve never read a single textbook in college and graduated with top grades. I’m just really intelligent and can figure things out without having to hread. I haven’t seen a movie in two years…in theatre nor by rentals, you know why? Because I absolutely cannot sit still for two frickin hours!! I’d lose my mind!! I chew my fingernails until they bleed when I have to sit for that long. And again, how did I get through college? I never stayed in class longer than thirty minutes. I’d sign the attendance sheet and dip. Being very intelligent means that I have developed my own methods of coping, but I just can’t handle it anymore!! My hair is falling out in globs because my whole life revolves around dealing with this problem. I’m at wits end, please, does anyone have any suggestions?

  • 10. Joshua  |  July 26th, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Hey guys dunno if this gonna work. I’m visiting family in medicine hat ab. Anyone know where I can find aderall or vyvanse.

  • 11. kodeycampbell  |  August 23rd, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    you guys are all POS when people do need to try and get diagnosed u fucking drug addicts fuck everything up

  • 12. Reality Chick  |  October 23rd, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    How hard is it to get Adderall prescribed for the first time at age 30? That’s what I’m attempting to do after years without insurance. I slipped through the cracks at my shitty rural school in the ’80s and ’90s, now I’m dealing with the fallout as an adult.

    I know stimulants help my ADD and lethargic depression because I’ve used them for a decade now (without prescription). I’m ready to go legit and get it the honest route. I’ve never increased my dose or frequency of use in all these years. I don’t want to binge or use it as a party drug. Any tips are appreciated.

  • 13. Bob  |  October 26th, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Thank you very much. In my case, I have it for real, but I do not have enough to concentrate, since I have the same amount, but now I have high pain and medications, which are not good to be able to concentrate. So, if you can help me, I would be very happy, thank you very much and keep up your good job :-)
    Bob

  • 14. Marion  |  November 1st, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    It’s funny to see that every single one of 4% with ADD commented on this article

  • 15. Marion  |  November 1st, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    All of you who claim on here they have ADD – wake up and realize that other’s have it just the same, at different degree, only they have not been diagnosed. So stop looking at yourselves at a higher cast, the only ones who have privilege to take add drugs.

  • 16. Akira  |  January 9th, 2015 at 2:43 am

    Comment #41 what a joke haha #adderallislife

  • 17. Akira  |  January 9th, 2015 at 2:46 am

    If the psychiatrist are soo good at telling who has it and who doesn’t then why are all of you with add sketchin out that you won’t get diagnosed

  • 18. Akira  |  January 9th, 2015 at 2:48 am

    Comment #41 must have watched too many war movies #your’e#a#joke

  • 19. Akira  |  January 9th, 2015 at 3:01 am

    Comment #77 your a boss!

  • 20. Lynn  |  January 10th, 2015 at 9:45 am

    If the FDA goon squad hadn’t banned ephedra and all forms of over the counter speed as well as watered down prescription diet pills like phentermine and replaced with worthless JUNK like orlistat and belziq, then people would not be desperate to get Adderall which is the only form of speed left in this Police State. There are many reasons people need to take a pick me up (amphetamine) and most are not “druggies”. I took ephedra for years and never had any problems and it gave me great energy, euphoria and focus, and I could buy it at Walmart or the local Quick Mart. So people who claim to have “ADHD” do NOT have some special monopoly on amphetimines. People took them for many reasons for DECADES before “ADHD” was even a thought in the back of Big Pharmas corrupt mind. The FDA goon squad is cracking down on amphetimines in this country because they want everyone fat lazy and stupid. Much easier to control that way. ADHD people do NOT have a monopoly on amphetimines so they need to get off their soap box. Ive taken Adderall and it is EXACTLY THE SAME THING AS THE OLD PHENTERMINE/FASTIN DIET PILLS put out by Smith Kline Glasco back in the 90s that the FDA goon squad had discontinued and remarketed as “Adderall.”

  • 21. Joe  |  February 14th, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    LMAO All these sensitive people with ADD freaking out. I have ADD. I have been given Vyvanse, and I’ve tried Adderall. So what if people use it recreationally or not. What does it matter to you? It doesn’t bother me. I get what I need from my meds and if someone enjoys them for a different reason then by all means they should be free to enjoy! It’s their BODY! I wish we could go back a 100 years where drugs could be bought over the counter and Big Brother wasn’t constantly telling us what we can and cannot do with our own body. I mean, it’s gotten so crazy that people can’t even seek cancer treatment unless it’s chemo, radiation, or surgery, and if someone claims to cure cancer outside of these three methods then they get sent to jail! WTF is that about?! I thought this was America where we were free?! I’m so disappointed with the direction America is going…

  • 22. pj  |  March 22nd, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    Right..from the time I was a kid…Ihave had the worst add….and I wish I’ve heard bout adderall long ago!…this could b something that could help me concentrate ..focus..and have a normal life…I will not need help telling my dr about my short attention span…lack of focus and concentration! I don’t need a high…Ineed a medication that helps me function in life for once…so all the negative comments about people being addicts for wanting to get a script for this are idiots!!

  • 23. swiss487  |  April 15th, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    for all the people talking shit, tell me how did you find this website to begin with? and if you don’t like it don’t fucking read it there’s way where should on the internet than this. grow the fuck up. go talk shit on some other site that may actually appreciate what you have to say, cuz us “losers” think you are all ignorant sheep who think they know how the world works when in reality they probably couldn’t even hold a conversation with any “loser” because they lack the depth it takes to grasp the Shit that “losers” think about.

  • 24. swiss487  |  April 15th, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    Grr. My apologies. my previous post may have made it seem like I was on a lot of adderall. Wait, I was.. Anyway what my speech to text app meant to say was: there are way worse things on the internet than this.
    I love this site by the way! Props!

  • 25. Leyd12  |  April 23rd, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    It’s for this reason here it’s harder for me to get the medicine I need every month. Soon they will take them off the market because of people doing this. I have ADD, it’s not fun and life is much harder. I wish I didn’t have to take adderall it’s not fun. But it’s the only way I can function like a normal person. Instead of abusing drugs, why don’t you put your time and energy into getting a job.

  • 26. Random ADHD sufferer  |  April 25th, 2015 at 6:00 am

    Wow, why would anyone want to fake ADHD just so they can get the medications that come with it. I have ADHD but I can’t get the medication but I have a few friends who also have ADHD and have the medication, they say it’s very hard to get the medication because of people who fake ADHD or because people ask people with ADHD for there medication. Please stop trying to fake ADHD, it causes problems for the people who actually need the medication to get it.

  • 27. CS  |  April 28th, 2015 at 10:55 am

    I have read the article and the several years worth of comments preceding my note. I now understand why no study actually shows any long term benefit to taking the stimulants, and in fact the large study in Quebec (done by a Cambridge, Mass. think tank) shows only an increase in drop outs in males and in depression in females who took the drugs. No improved job prospects, no improved college graduation rates, etc.
    Over 90% of those who take a stimulant abuse and share it. What it does do, from the Quebec study, is make kids less a problem in class. Basically, it shuts them up. They are more manageable. Now I know why teachers love it.
    Sad, but I guess it has some benefits.

  • 28. omarionwalker  |  May 2nd, 2015 at 1:53 am

    you are an idiot for trying to teach people how to do this. some people really do have something called ADD or ADHD and I am one of them. Fucking idot.

  • 29. Special K  |  May 27th, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    Tomorrow is the big day. I am starting my monthly meetings with a psychologist through behavioral health services. I am overwhelmed with an insight of despair, that him / her will misdiagnose me, and give me some kind of medicine that I absolutely don’t need or want. I was brought to this website to gain some kind of knowledge to convince a doctor that I have adhd, and to prescribe me with some very affective medicine. I have read everyone of these stories from all of you, and I still have my doubts of any glorius fulfillment tomorrow. I am prepared to go to any lengths to achieve my goal of obtaining a prescription to benzedrine / adderal xdr. I am 46 and in a nursing home. ( I put myself here for rehabilitation purposes ) the state knows that I am suicidal / drug & alcohol crazed, I have got their attention with a whopping $700.00 S.S.I. check – that the nursing home receives, except $30.00. The only drugs I get are blood pressure, depression & vitamins. I sleep during the
    day and mess with my computer at night. Eat, sleep & shit. I have been here too long without any drugs or alcohol to feed a distant pleasure. I feel hopeless, but not depressed because I have been sober for 2.5 years now. Some patients here piss me off, always bragging about what they have and take. ( I totally smell snitches ) and I see how they abuse their medicines – bootleging, snorting, and slamming ( when you have a fresh point / in the wrapper ) All I want to acheive is, a doctor sympathizing with me and giving me a helping hand. Some adhd medicine could be beneficial to me. I am lethargic and have trouble concentrating, sleeping all the
    time and I am overweight. 6’3 – 270 lbs.

    I really liked hearing all your stories, the biggest majority of you don’t need amphetamines – because you are thrill
    seekers. I already know, because I have been there. Put yourself in my shoes / I bet that you wouldn’t last one month here – without winning for a xannax or a loratab.

  • 30. confused  |  July 15th, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    I wa s asked during marriage counseling by the counselor if I had ever been diagnosed with ADHD. this was upsetting and I kind of felt like he was on my husband’s side and Saying I was the crazy one. I had been looking into it and wondering if I may have this. I am definitely a skeptic not sure if I even believe in it. I took a handful of the online test and scored very high. reading some of these posts scare me to go into my doctor and tell him how I feel about this because you might think I’m trying to get drugs. the only drug I abused is coffee. is this add and Adhd for real. what about alternative treatment

  • 31. Thomas J  |  August 3rd, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    Been adicted for almost 10 years, destroying my life and my family. I am a 50 year old man and had it prescribed for the right reasons, but it somewhere along the way took over my life. People. .. please do not consider this med as a fix for anything, and most of all not thinking that you can use it recreationally

  • 32. Shan  |  November 23rd, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    I honestly believe I have add. As hard as it is to admit because of the stigma, I have all the symptoms. But I am so scared that if I go to a doc or psych, they will think I am faking, which led me to this article. I am also scared of the symptoms of adderall, like moodiness, etc.


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