This article was first published in the March 21, 2002 issue of The eXile.

Hot on the heels of the the Homeland’s latest impluse-buy publishing hit, 1776 Things to Love About America, the eXile decided to put in its own 911 cents. Our agents think this things going to sell and sell and sell… but that’s not why we did it. We did it because this is how we as Americans feel deep inside. Take a gander!

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• Ronald Reagan wasn’t successfully assassinated
• Baby Boomers who make a big show of worshipping “the Greatest Generation”
• All those assassinated Black Panthers
• “The price is worth it” — Madeleine Albright on the estimated 500,000 Iraqi children who have died due to UN sanctions
• College students who are BUGs (Bisexual Until Graduation)
• Yuppies who subscribe to Wine Spectator
• “It’s easy to imagine an infinite number of situations where the government might legitimately give out false information,” — U.S. Solicitor-General Theodore Olson, arguing earlier this week before the Supreme Court
• 60 million born-again Christians
• The Bush-41 Administration/bin Laden family investment vehicle The Carlyle Group
• The CIA’s assassination of the Guatemalan president in 1954
• Sleazy Colorado Congressman Scott McInnis, who is trying to get PETA and ELF listed as terrorist organizations on par with al-Qaeda
• Detention of John Seller of the Ruckus Society on $1 million in bail during Republican Party convention in Philadelphia, naming his cell phone “an instrument of crime”
• “Americans for Victory Over Terrorism”, a new organization founded by Bill Bennett intended to fight non-existent anti-war sentiment on American campuses
• Operation Northwoods, a plan created by Joint Chiefs of Staff in 1962 to provoke war with Cuba by faking acts of terrorism in the US
• Middle-aged women with short dyed-blond hair and scarves over their shoulders
• “Hoteling”, whereby no cubicle is assigned and employees only get workspace on “as-need” basis, increases surveillance, fear, job insecurity, ulsers
• In 1950, half of American firms gave Christmas bonuses; today, 36% do
• More people got laid off in 1998, at peak of a boom, than in any of the previous 10 years
• Recession Camp, a day camp for unemployed dot-commers in the San Francisco Bay Area who do things like hike and go to movies
• The number of overweight children quadrupled between 1974 and 1999
• El-Salvador-atrocity-cover-up-artist-turned-Kosovo-atrocity-counterfeiter William Walker
• Golden retrievers with red bandanas around their necks
• Overpriced, Third-World-staffed nursing homes and their never-visited white patients
• People who praise John McCain as a “maverick”
• US Army Camp Bondsteel, the largest American base built in 30 years, illegally occupying Yugoslavian soil
• Freshness dating on Twinkies
• MTV.com’s “Be Heard: a Global Forum with Colin Powell” bragged about hits from the Mid-East, Italy, and India
• October is Massachusetts Head Injury Awareness Month
• Burt Reynolds starred in the Cloud 10 Christian production Waterproof
• Four-legged featherless chickens are currently under development by Tyson
• Long-haul truckers are tracked and fired if they deviate from the prescribed route
• “I helped a bomber get a fake passport. All the kids do it.” — A post-9/11 spot suggesting teen drug use aids terrorists
• Kidnapping Guatemalan children for their internal organs
• An average American takes in 3,000 advertising messages every day
• Establishment of a protectionist steel policy while demanding poor countries open markets
• 73% of Americans believe that angels “come into the world even in these modern times.”
• Studies that tell us divorce is good for children
• Cast of Friends rejecting salary offer of $800,000 per episode per cast member
• Standup comedy routines that begin with “Did you ever notice how…?”
• Massive live coverage of hurricanes, plane crashes, shark incidents, and babies in wells
• Soccer now America’s #1 high school sport
• O.J. Simpson and Claus Von Bulow getting off while most brothers can’t even get a competent laywer
• “Voluntary” reduction plans for plant emissions
• The US Government issuing a warrant for Bobby Fischer’s arrest, claiming he broke a trade embargo by playing a chess match in Yugoslavia
• Sponsor names are attached to bowl game titles, including the “Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl”
• Photographs of smiling minority students at private colleges are prominently featured in all school publications
• Ricky Schroeder openly supports the Republican Party
• “Constructive Engagement” with apartheid-era South Africa
• Gen X-er’s who preface everything with, “I know it’s a cliche to say this, but…”
• Isolation of Belarus as “Europe’s last dictatorship”
• Detention of John Seller of the Ruckus Society on $1 million in bail during Republican Party convention in Philadelphia, naming his cell phone “an instrument of crime”
• “Americans for Victory Over Terrorism”, a new organization founded by Bill Bennett intended to fight non-existent anti-war sentiment on American campuses
• Operation Northwoods, a plan created by Joint Chiefs of Staff in 1962 to provoke war with Cuba by faking acts of terrorism in the US
• Hostess pumps chemicals outside of its factories to create the smell and impression of freshly baked bread
• “Give war a chance” — Thomas L. Friedman
• Corporations provide sponsorship of prisons in exchange for what amounts to slave labor
• Harmelin v. Michigan, 1992 (Supreme Court upholds life without parole for man arrested for cocaine posession, says life sentences for nonviolent crimes not “cruel and unusual”)
• GATT allows for the creation of secret tribunals in Switzerland to settle U.S. trade disputes
• Former CIA director John Deutch in 1997 waiving rules that prohibit the use of journalists, Peace Corps workers, and religious volunteers as spies
• Anti-smoking laws
• Bill Bennett
• War on Drugs
• Wireless PDAs
• “Friends”
• Quirky cubicles
• Reality TV
• The O’Rielly Factor
• Fresh Air with Terry Gross
• The Richard M. Nixon Memorial Library
• Ronald Reagan wasn’t successfully assassinated
• Ronald Reagan fleeing like a bitch from Lebanon after 1983 Marine barracks suicide bombing killed 264 Americans
• Ronald Reagan twiddling his senile thumbs after American hostages kidnapped and sometimes killed in Lebanon
• Ronald Reagan’s bold invasion of Grenada in 1983
• Ronald Reagan sending birthday cakes and Bibles to Ayatollah Khomeini
• Prescott Bush
• George H. W. Bush
• George W. Bush
• Casual days
• The return of business formal
• Steve Spurrier
• Super Bowl XXVI half-time extravaganza
• Dennis Miller
• Terrell Owens earns more than all San Francisco schoolteachers
• Barnes & Nobles & Borders
• Fake martyr to phantom liberal menace Bernie Goldberg
• Disney, General Electric & Viacom
• No arbitration clauses in employment contracts
• Fat chicks
• Warning customers about lack of bovine growth hormone is an actionable offense
• Abortion clinic bombers
• Bi-partisan support of NAFTA
• Ralph Nader barred from entering debates
• Fake two-party system
• Tantric Sex
• Commercials for The Gap
• Striped casual clothing
• Dilbert
• Cathy
• Political candidates who parody themselves on late night talk shows
• Warnings on McDonald’s coffee
• The Strokes
• Smarmy college radio DJs
• Madonna always getting praised for “reinventing herself”
• as last year’s trend
• The New York Knicks
• Al Gore’s beard
• Dave Eggers
• Heart-breaking works of prozac nation genius
• Telemarketers
• Ski caps on white guys with long hair
• Recycling pedants
• Tower Records store clerks
• Patchouli oil
• Coed Naked T-shirts
• Arizona Iced Teas
• Carmelized coffee
• Dave Barry
• Luxury Wagons
• World’s largest prison population
• Wizened male movie sex symbols who probably wear Depends (Harrison Ford, Sean “I’m Scottish, damnit!” Connery, etc.)
• Ronald Reagan cozying up to Saddam Hussein after Iraq bombed the USS Stark in 1987, killing 37 US personnel
• US-government-backed low-interest loans to Iraq throughout the 1980s that helped Iraq obtain necessary materials to produce chemical and biological weapons
• The wine list at the Olive Garden
• Home theater/fitness-center/wine cellar/etc.
• No national health insurance
• HMOs
• Baptists
• Vietnam War as “America’s national tragedy”
• The School of the Americas
• Tom Hanks
• The Greatest Generation
• Baby Boomers
• Refusal to sign the Kyoto Accords
• Death penalty inequities
• No public executions
• The fanatical Israeli lobby
• No-knock search warrants
• Civil asset forfeiture
• John Ashcroft
• Gannett Publishing
• The bombing of Yugoslavia
• Of Afghanistan
• Of Sudan
• Of Cambodia
• Of Laos
• The extermination of 10% of Laos’ population during the Vietnam War
• The American Embassy passing lists of people to be murdered during Indonesian civil war
• Two million dead Indochinese
• Airport security
• The return of curbside check-in
• Corporate welfare
• Don’t ask, don’t tell
• Carnivore
• Echelon
• Michael Stipe
• and the emergence of the “Michael Stipe Look”
• Ribbons for every tragedy
• Liposuction
• Men’s magazines
• Men with six-pack abs
• Cybersex
• Cigarette taxes
• Drinking age
• Florida
• “Let’s Roll”
• Bin Laden, Mullah Omar, and every other bomb-tossing raghead who got away
• Holyfield-Lewis I
• William Kennedy goes free; Mike Tyson goes to jail
• Can’t pronounce “bologna”
• That 70s revivalism craze
• Michael McFaul
• Ex-Im loans for Halliburton
• Government grants to Martin Marrietta to buy golf balls
• OPIC
• Tebuthiuron, an American-produced coca-leaf herbicide sprayed on Colombian peasants
• Wal-Mart’s union crushing policies
• Job exportation
• Service with a smile
• The Steel lobby
• Cheap Chinese parts in Boeing jets
• Kordell Stuart in the clutch
• Microbreweries
• Women who smoke cigars
• Tee ball
• Ski helmets
• X-treme sports
• X-treme Doritos
• Billionaires running for office as populists
• People who vote for billionaires running as populists
• Public financing of sports stadiums
• Snitching hot-lines for K-12 students
• SAT gets easier every year
• Attorneys
• Law school students
• Progressives who use the word “empowerment”
• Working class poets like Jim Daniels
• Continental theory in American academia
• Self-help
• Robert Bly and the “men’s movement”
• Just thanking God for the victory
• Weepy presidents and generals
• Right-wing closet homosexuals (Rush Limbaugh, Matt Drudge, J. Edgar Hoover, etc.)
• American-produced German porn (John Thompson)
• The Twin Tower light show
• Googlewhacking
• Pretentious Italian names for coffee sizes
• Victoria Secrets is considered sexy
• The Grammy Awards
• The Academy Awards
• The New York Times
• Ditigalized telephone customer service
• UNOCAL’s wooing of the Taliban
• Occidental Petroleum’s dirty war in Colombia
• Alaskan caribou serial rapist Frank Murkowski
• The $15 billion airline industry bailout
• New 500-channel digital TV which still only has 2 tolerable shows a day
• Shaven-headed urban hipsters who wear thick horn-rimmed glasses
• The Midwest
• CIA-backed 1953 coup in Iran
• CIA-backed genocide in Guatemala post-1954
• Central American death squads
• Jimmy Carter’s limp response to Iran hostage taking
• Bill Clinton’s feeble cruise missile response to 1993 Iraqi assassination attempt on ex-president George H. W. Bush
• Bill Clinton’s army fleeing from Somalia after failed capture of Mohammed Farah Aidid that resulted in 18 dead Americans and thousands of dead Somalis
• Bill Clinton’s feeble cruise missile response to 1996 bombing of US Army barracks in Saudi Arabia, killing 19 Americans
• Bill Clinton’s feeble cruise missile response to the bombing of US embassies in Tanzania and Kenya that killed 223 people, including 31 Americans, and injuring thousands
• Bill Clinton’s massive cruise missile attack on Iraq in response to US Congress impeachment proceedings in December 1998
• Bill Clinton’s non-response to the bombing of USS Cole
• FBI’s naming of environmental extremists as “top domestic threat” in May 2001
• Kiehl’s beauty products
• The Banana Republic
• Women who wear elastic waistband trousers
• Protesters who put on puppet shows
• U.S. government refusal to compensate African victims of US Embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya
• Refusal to help Laos dismantle unexploded U.S. ordinance, which still kills and maims up to 4,000 Laotians annually, mostly children
• On-line dating services
• Men who wax their body hair
• The invasion of Panama
• Beanbag guns
• Rubber coated bullets
• 90 percent of police departments in cities over 50,000 have SWAT teams
• 70 percent of towns under 50,000 also have SWAT teams
• Mormons
• Fake angry grrls
• Spinning classes
• Accounting firms
• Stock analysts who rated less than 2% of stocks as “sell” up through 2001
• Young rich white kids who don’t bathe for 3 days then go to Phil Lesh and Friends concerts
• People who had trouble sleeping after 9/11
• People who said “everything’s changed” after 9/11
• The American Left’s totally humorless, puritanical, limp-dicked hijacking of once-dangerous ideology
• “Fringy”, “Edgy”, “Alternative”
• The Bush Administration’s elimination of the inheritance tax
• Calling the ethnic-cleansing-crazy KLA “freedom fighters” (James Rubin, Congressman Eliot Engel, etc.)
• New nuclear war policy targeting 7 nations, including non-nuclear powers and ally Russia
• Failure to mass-produce eXile-endorsed neutron bombs due to Eurofag objections
• NATO expansion
• The richest 25 million people in the United States receive more income than the 2 billion poorest people of the world
• Robert Kaplan’s pseudo-intellectual “clash of civilizations” shtick
• Operation Anaconda
• Absolute Pentagon control of media war coverage
• The Bush-appointed shadow government
• American military presence in over 100 countries worldwide
• Liberals who became hairy-backed war mongers after 9/11 (Michael McFaul, NRP radio, Gary Trudeau, etc.)
• Liberals who backed the Kosovo War as an alleged humanitarian war (Susan Sontag, Gary Trudeau, etc.)
• Hippies
• The Anti-Defamation League’s surveillance of American citizens, in combination with rogue policemen, which resulted in Ames getting listed in an illegal “Pinko” file
• Rosy Grier’s failure to protect Bobby Kennedy
• Weepy white lefties who fail to bust raghead-poster-boy Edward Said for writing, in the last edition of Covering Islam that came out before 9/11, “speculations about the latest conspiracy to blow up buildings, sabotage commercial airliners and poison water supplies [
• is based on
• ] highly exaggerated stereotyping”
• Log Cabin Republicans
• Soccer moms
• White guys with dreadlocks
• Seminars that teach corporate pride and attitude improvement
• The democratization of golf culture
• Self-described “centrists”
• Work hours today longer and more stressful than at any point in the 20th century, forcing the whole world to adapt (no more siestas, etc.)
• Less vacation time for workers than any other First World country
• Corporate culture of fear and stress
• Between 1988 and 1998, income for the upper 5% increased by $50,760, while the nation’s middle 20% income increased $780
• White-collar males average hourly wage in 1997 was $19.24, only six cents more, in constant dollars, than in 1973
• Average CEO compensation rocketed 71 percent from 1992 to 1997
• CEO compensation for large corporations rose from $1.8 million in 1990 to $10.6 million 1998, a 490% increase
• Entry-level wages for male college graduates declined 6.5% between 1989 and 1997
• Entry-level wages for female college grads declined 7.4% in same period
• Entry-level wages for female college grads 75 cents per hour less than same grads in 1973, adjusted for inflation
• Unmarried men and women between ages of 18-29 real income declined 11% between 1973 and 1998
• 45 million Americans laid off in 1980s, 1990s
• Of the 6-1/2 million laid off between 1995-7, 40 percent earned less once they were re-employed
• Of those who earned less, one in every four were paid at least 20 percent less by their new employers
• By 1995, one in every four full-time employees at large companies uninsured
• Temp employment quadrupled from 1986 to 1996
• Al Dunlap, Jack Welch, and other vampiric CEOs who made hundreds of millions of dollars for themselves by firing employees and slashing benefits, changing corporate culture across the globe
• In 1978, CEOs of major US corporations got 30 times the pay of their average workers; in 1995, this grew to 115 times
• CEOs of top 365 corporations who laid off at least 1000 employees in the first half of 2000 received on average $23.7 million compensation, as compared to average of $13.1 million compensation for all 365 CEOs
• The Economic Policy Institute estimates that the average American business leader today only has to work half a week to bring home as much as his typical employee’s annual wage
• Gated retirement communities
• Black people who talk like white people
• 55% of Generation Xers would, if given $50,000 today, invest it
• 7% would go on a vacation
• Edgy Gen-X humor
• Mass prescribing of behavior drugs for children
• One in six American children lives in poverty, same rate as 1979
• Drug testing for employees
• Mega Mansions
• Companies don’t have to report perks if their value is less than 10% of an executive’s pay
• Fetish clubs for yuppies
• People who “work within the system”
• Jocks
• Bumper stickers with political messages
• Bush Administration’s decision to expand bases in Central Asia over Russian fears
• Bush Administration’s decision to send US military to Georgia over Russian objections
• Bush Administration’s unilateral withdrawal from the ABM treaty over Russian objections
• Bush Administration’s blocking of British proposal to integrate Russia into NATO
• Bush Administration’s talk of “paradigm shift” in relations with Russia after post-9/11 alliance
• The push to develop ANWAR
• Fiction workshops
• Gulf War Syndrome
• The Pentagon’s fear of casualties
• Corporate mega-mergers
• Superstores
• Ironic cable TV quiz shows (Win Ben Stein’s Money, Smoosh)
• Blood thinning medicines
• Defibrillating devices
• Overpriced white whores with bad attitudes
• Bad public transportation
• Tornadoes
• Residents of Nevada
• Violent music videos by artists who are pro-peace
• Grotesquely unsexual Sex In The City
• Single women over 28
• Childless career women in their mid-30s
• Personal finance programs like Quicken
• People who smile and say “Really?” while nodding their heads happily
• Asian students in science and math classes
• Anti-Latino immigrant laws in border states denying them basic emergency health services, education
• Pig fuckers
• Bad artists from rich families who live in urban lofts
• Retired baby boomers who live in urban lofts
• Tax on capital gains lower than taxes on wages
• People who whine about the deficit
• Corporate retreats
• Emaciated, sallow, slow-talking idiots with bad teeth who work at health food stores
• The Dream Team
• Incompetent social workers with the power to destroy families and lives
• Foster homes
• Wendy’s burgers
• Jay Leno’s chin
• America’s refusal to pay reparations to slaves
• America’s refusal to apologize for massacre of over 500 refugees at No Gun Ri in 1950
• America’s refusal to pay reparations for Agent Orange spraying
• America’s blocking of UN action during Rwanda genocide
• American media’s mockery of Japan for refusing to apologize to Korea, China
• Corporate Feminist sell-outs (Naomi Wolf, Gloria Steinem)
• Libertarian lesbian pundits (Camille Paglia, Norah Vincent)
• People who hold garage sales on their yards in order to chat with strangers
• Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and other Bible-humping preachers who influence US politics
• God
• Jesus
• US Army retirees who call in radio talk shows to complain about “Big Government”
• White people who can’t handle their Vicodin (Matthew Parry, Melanie Griffith, etc.)
• Female gangsta rappers
• Michael Jackson’s face
• Individual day traders
• US Army’s SmarTruck, an SUV that dispenses pepper spray up to 12 feet, carpet tacks pointed up, and smoke
• Internet pop-up ads
• Planned obsolescence for electronics, cars
• Shutting down Napster and Morpheus
• Subdivisions
• Developments made to look like quaint villages
• American Highway Users Alliance
• Highway art
• Tom Ridge’s five color terrorist alert system
• Catholics who are actually surprised by periodic pederast priest scandals
• Universities funded by DOD
• Items “Not labeled for individual sale”
• Vegetarian fries at McDonalds
• PETA
• Jewish diamond merchants
• The Man
• Binny Hinn’s wife
• Early admissions
• Drivers’ Ed
• Signature architecture
• Slum clearance
• Urban renewal
• LA’s subway
• Oat bran
• Teens whose biggest problems are anorexia and bulimia
• The International Socialist Organization
• Minnesota nice
• Booker T. Washington
• Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment
• Syphilis
• Product placement
• Cross-fertilization in advertisements
• New color added to Froot Loops
• Breakfast bars with dairy filling
• Golf courses in Arizona
• Beer costs $4 on domestic flights
• Czech Budweiser illegal
• Buying in bulk
• Surveys of the most livable city
• Indian reservations
• One strike rule for drug offences in public housing
• Ground floor health clubs with picture windows
• FEMA action kids
• Canada
• Thomas Nolle
• Bristol-Myers Squibb Company defending its patent for 1/3 of the AIDS cocktail
• “Let the Eagle Soar”
• Snow-mobiling in Yellowstone considered a serious political issue
• Corporate tax evasion
• Country music
• Britney Spears dating *NSNYC singer Justin Timberlake
• He calls her “Pinky”
• “Islam is a peaceful religion”
• Unmanned radar traps
• Racial profiling
• Missile defense studies
• Mini-nuke proposals in the Pentagon
• Ashcroft speaks in tongues
• Cop shows
• Transit racism
• Not illegal to discriminate by class
• Family values
• Compassionate conservatism
• NFL public service spots
• Socially conscious Phillip Morris ads
• Environmentally friendly Chevron ads
• “Supermax” jail facilities
• Super-sizing
• Artwork too big to fit in museums
• Jackson Pollock
• Wad impregnators
• Lewis H. Lapham
• Microsoft
• White flight
• Gentrification
• Bogus white guilt
• Federal judges who supported segregation
• AIM’s Wounded Knee revisited
• Imminent domain
• Domain names
• Profit margins
• Downsizing
• Golden parachutes
• MC Hammer
• Black middle class conservatives
• Sensitive New Age Guys
• Rainbow gatherings
• Aikido
• Swing dancing
• Crossover hits
• Mega fauna die-offs during the late Pleistocene
• Feng-shui
• The Beltway
• Excessive acronym use in government offices
• The Sopranos
• The FBI concealing evidence that would free innocent people
• The LAPD planting evidence to jail blacks in Rampart
• Beer billboards in ghettos
• Whole Foods
• Phony feel-good co-ops
• Peace Corps “veterans”
• Daughters of the Mayflower annual ball
• Debutant balls
• FDA food pyramid
• Fishing licenses
• The John Birch Society
• Rotary Clubs
• Dim-witted missile names (Patriot, Peace Keeper, Daisy Cutter, etc.)
• The Mall of America
• Skyscrapers made from reflective glass
• “In God We Trust”
• Blue laws
• Last call
• Churches in strip malls
• No salary cap in baseball
• Lotto odds
• All-you-can-eat Vegas buffets
• Old people in casinos
• Pork bellies futures
• Credit agencies
• Ralphs cards and other devices to track purchases
• Face recognition technology
• Floods on the Mississippi
• Yucca Mountain Project
• Genetically modified “contraceptive” corn given as aid to Third World
• Highest US death and dismemberment factor is in hog butchering plants
• Lower suicide rate than Iceland
• Chicken hormones cause early puberty in inner-city youth
• Early puberty in inner-city youth
• Pig-human organ transplants
• Zoloft ad campaign tells post-9/11 post-traumatic stress sufferers to self-diagnose
• NY Times reported higher incidence of post-traumatic stress disorder post-9/11
• DC hospitals denying black postal workers treatment for anthrax because they seemed “paranoid”
• Lynchings
• Sex-offender laws
• Cleveland Indians
• Washington Redskins
• Anaheim Mighty Ducks
• “Ecstasy: Where’s the Love?”
• Peer pressure
• Sex Ed
• Alternatives to evolution taught in Kansas
• “Born in the USA” used as a patriot anthem
• Star Trek conventions
• Imelda Marcos’ shoes
• NY Times’ Frank Bruni’s Ambling into History Bush blowjob book
• Michael Moore
• e-expressions/company names
• Strom Thurmond’s refusal to die
• Confederate flags
• Weaving
• Shaker village museums
• Flatbush
• Toni Morrison
• Barbara Kingsolver
• Moderates
• Pollsters who make moderates moderate
• California blackouts
• Land mines
• Semiautomatic hunting rifles
• Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
• Elevator music
• Multiculturalism
• Culturally sensitive ethnographic museums
• Doomsday cults
• Reader surveys
• Personality tests
• Scientology
• Books on tape
• Cliff Notes
• Civil War reenactments
• Gulf War Syndrome
• Retarded prison population
• Special Olympics
• People who grow pot in their closets
• MIT suicides
• Halogen lights
• Potpourri
• Scented toilet paper
• The Clapper
• Pink ladies’ razors
• Excessive packaging
• Hallmark Holidays
• Kwanzaa
• Customer service representatives
• Mail-in rebates
• Sales culture that considers Art of the Deal literature
• Holidays devoid of meaning; news reports about consumer spending levels during Christmas
• Easter Bunny as symbol of spiritual rebirth
• Books like More Guns, Less Violence
• 192 million privately-owned guns
• 39.7 million obese adults
• 97.1 million overweight adults
• Up to 765% increase in homeless Dalmatians after release of 1996 Disney film 101 Dalmatians
• World’s third-highest murder rate
• Gideon Bibles and pay-per-view porn in most hotel rooms
• Over-fished waters off Washington, New England, and Alaska
• Disneyfied Times Square
• Rootlessness
• National anthem is a question
• Kathie Lee Gifford loved by millions
• One-third of country mentally ill or substance-addicted
• Lyme disease
• People who whine about having Lyme disease
• We still don’t know who killed Kennedy
• Americans abroad who expect locals to speak English
• Highway cops with speeding-ticket quotas
• “S” is for Sue Grafton
• Minimum wage far too small to live on
• Cheering on Wall Street when layoffs are announced
• Jobs without benefits
• Sneakers made with foreign child labor
• Voice mail
• Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Rehnquist
• Crosstraining, indoor and outdoor tennis, running, walking, aerobic, hiking, basketball, all-turf Nikes
• “Structural adjustment”
• Will Smith’s rap career
• Studio audiences
• Canned laughter
• Daytime talk shows
• Major magazines run by Brits
• Privatization of mental hospitals, tossing crazy people helpless on the streets
• Necessity of convincing woman on first date that you are not a serial killer
• National Credit Inquiry System
• Habitual misspelling of “you’re”
• Boy bands
• Faith-based initiatives
• The 77% of the population, according to Scripps News service and Ohio State University study, that believes in the “physical existence of angels “
• Metairie, Louisiana, which elected David Duke to the State Legislature
• The 45% of Louisianans — 65% of whites — who voted for Duke in the 1990 U.S. Senate race
• 2002 Federal Defense budget outlay of $379 billion
• 2002 combined Federal Education, Training, Employment and Social Services budget outlay of $70.3 billion
• 2002 Federal Medicare outlay of $45.9 billion
• Average ticket costs $8 for a major feature film
• Michael Jordan earning $18,550 in time it takes to watch average feature film
• Median 2001 yearly salary of preschool teacher is $17,810
• 22,000 jobs lost in K-Mart store closures last year
• Kmart executives paid bonuses of $150 million and it was upheld by bankruptcy court ruling
• MovieLine calling The Legend of 1900 “a masterpiece of poetic cinema”
• Rarity of actual “poetry”
• Rolling Stone calling Tin Cup “blissfully romantic and funny.”
• Rarity of actual “bliss”
• Joel Siegel telling us “You could get whiplash from laughing so hard” in his review of Road Trip
• Legal implications of actually giving Joel Siegel whiplash
• Brothers who can’t get a break
• Woody Allen films since Love and Death
• Reviews of Woody Allen’s films since Love and Death
• Steady rollback of Aid For Families with Dependent Children while adding funding for weapons in space
• Egosurfing
• 60% of Americans still believe that Timothy McVeigh was working for an organization that has yet to be identified
• The U.S. devotes 0.1% of its GNP to foreign aid, while Japan devotes 0.3% of their GNP and EU countries devote 0.33% to foreign aid
• Utter meaninglessness of political debates and “town meetings” with secret-service-selected audiences
• Lincoln too ugly to be elected today
• Twentysomething e-millionaires blasting Amazon.com warehouse workers for trying to unionize
• Stigma of living at home after age 18
• Over 20% of Maxim readers live with parents
• Statistical tie extremely unlikely in national presidential election with real issues at stake
• Computers and computer software obsolete every six months
• FCC ruling allowing one company to own main TV station and newspaper in same city
• Colorful rave kids
• SPY magazine collapses while Men’s Health thrives
• Girlfriends of ten years who wear “special lingerie” to turn you on
• College athletes unpaid while campuses make millions
• Tens of thousands of kids needing foster homes and Americans fly to Russia to adopt white babies
• Anticommunism
• People who think Russians still stand on long lines for bread
• Five minutes of most 22-minute local news broadcasts are devoted to weather
• No coverage of anything that matters
• TV reporters who interview relatives of plane crash victims while fuselage still smolders
• Relatives of plane crash victims who give interviews to TV reporters while plane still smolders
• Direct mail
• SPAM
• New cars all computerized so it’s impossible to fix on your own
• Americans don’t know how to fix cars anyway
• Only good-looking women are in Maui for latest shooting of The Grind
• Beavis and Butthead followed by King of the Hill
• Live on the Sunset Strip followed by Brewster’s Millions
• Raw followed by Doctor Doolitle
• Rock videos featuring supermodels grimacing and gesticulating in front of fishbowl camera
• Grim lives of educated Americans in twenties and thirties slaving away for 60 hours a week at jobs they hate in order to make partner or retire at 50 with stock options
• CDs cost 18 bucks
• Inspirational speaking appearances in front of boards of directors by Pat Riley
• Condoleeza Rice’s stated desire to be NFL commissioner
• George Mitchell’s stated desire to become MLB commissioner
• George Will writing about baseball
• Bono and George Bush on stage together
• Poor people kept off television
• Practical uselessness of a liberal arts education
• Drug users like Clinton and Bush pushing tougher drug sentences
• Garth Brooks and Bryan Adams among greatest selling artists of all time
• Million-dollar pitchers who wait until April to get their rotator cuffs operated on
• Balls thrown into triple coverage
• Tolls
• Three-month waits for physical exams
• Acid rain
• Nuclear waste
• Rollback of Superfund
• Every time a cougar kills some tourist, they hunt down the cougar
• Every time a Grizzly bear kills some tourist, they hunt down the Grizzly bear
• Hot, blonde Mormon girls refuse to put out
• Web browser defaults in US Embassy internet labs set on cnn.com
• Soccer team lost to Iran in 1998 World Cup
• The US fields a soccer team
• The pseudo-conflict between Fox News and CNN
• David Stern’s behind-the-scenes manipulation of trades and the NBA draft
• Too stringent age-of-consent laws in most states
• Tom Clancy as a post-9/11 analyst on news and politics programs
• Mandatory Pledge of Allegiance recitation in schools
• By threatening to withhold $50 million in aid and $1 billion overall, the US Government pressured Yugoslavian government to turn over Milosevic to the Hague instead of letting him be tried in Yugoslavia
• Absence of a “gypsy cab” system
• Michael Jordan’s return to play for the Wizards
• The Bullets’ changing their name to the “Wizards”
• Politically Incorrect considered “controversial”
• Sexual harassment in the workplace results in job loss
• 8,893 km border with Canada (including Alaska)
• NBC Dateline
• www.msn.com
• Jostens’ monopoly on the graduation paraphernalia market
• 16 year-old girls allowed to drive
• “Take Back the Night” rallies at US colleges
• In-airport massage tables not equipped with guillotine function
• The Greek system
• The disturbing rise of CNN analyst Tucker Carlson
• Won’t let Robert Downey, Jr. get high in peace
• Andrea Dworkin
• Ironic t-shirts
• Political t-shirts
• Ragheads killed in Afghanistan, equipped with guns in Yugoslavia
• John Grisham’s young, inexperienced lawyer protagonists who take on the big boys, even though know they don’t have a chance in hell of winning, but goddamn it, they’re going to fight!
• Thomas Nolle’s wife
• Newsweek
• Direct-Marketing companies
• The WNBA
• Applebee’s
• SUVs
• Vegans
• The Portland Trailblazers
• High school kids forced to sign behavior contract (no drugs, no smoking, no alcohol) in order to take part in extracurricular activities
• Professional Wrestling
• Natural Angus Beef Meatloaf Stack from TGI Friday’s
• Hollywood’s support of the Democratic Party
• John Dolan’s inability to get tenured at an American university
• Middle-aged male meteorologists
• South’s obsession with the Confederacy
• Yuppies with motorcycles
• Salad bars
• Rejection of “Confederacy of Dunces” until after Toole’s suicide
• Libertarians
• Shitty burritos outside of the Southwest
• Weekends
• Dinner parties
• Defense contractor lobbyists who took advantage of 9/11
• Politicians who let defense contractor lobbyists pimp them
• Government shutdown of voter-approved medical marijuana clubs
• Paranoia-inducing Skunk Weed
• New Democrats (Joe Lieberman, Gray Davis, Clinton, etc.)
• Kid Rock
• Hands-free sets for mobile phones
• The Atkins Diet
• 65 MPH speed limits in many states
• Business cards
• American cars
• Single women who introduce themselves to men at parties
• Mid-life crises
• Car flags
• Patriots who removed car flags after the fall of Kandahar
• Most Favored Nation status for communist-totalitarian China
• Propping up Uzbek dictator Islam Karimov
• Expensive printer cartridges
• The New Economy
• Silicon Valley sweatshops
• Georgia O’Keefe prints
• Creed and bands that sound like Creed
• Wearing baseball caps backwards
• Tattoo-covered rock musicians who perform shirtless, in knee-length shorts
• Belief in the “G-Spot”
• The search for the “G-Spot”
• Women who don’t shave their snappers
• Girls who don’t wear make-up
• Guys who wear make-up
• Saturday Night Live reruns
• Junk bonds
• Dot.com bubble
• The Village Voice
• Docker’s pants
• Upspeak
• The New Earnestness
• North Face clothing
• Skate rats
• People who take pictures of their babies wearing large sunglasses
• Fanny packs
• Dearth of corpses in public
• People who say “great!”
• Parents who refuse to admit that their kids are losers
• Everyone wanting to be liked
• NY Governor George Pataki’s slashing of National Guardsmen education benefits to cover tax cuts for the wealthy
• President Bush fleeing like a bitch on 9/11
• The U.S. Congress’s repulsive performance of “God Bless America” on 9/11
• Refusal to help Laos dismantle unexploded U.S. ordinance, which still kills and maims up to 4,000 Laotians annually, mostly children
• On-line dating services
• Men who wax their body hair
• The invasion of Panama
• Beanbag guns
• Rubber coated bullets
• 90 percent of police departments in cities over 50,000 have SWAT teams
• 70 percent of towns under 50,000 also have SWAT teams
• Mormons
• Fake angry grrls
• Spinning classes
• Accounting firms
• Stock analysts who rated less than 2% of stocks as “sell” up through 2001
• Young rich white kids who don’t bathe for 3 days then go to Phil Lesh and Friends concerts
• People who had trouble sleeping after 9/11
• People who said “everything’s changed” after 9/11
• The American Left’s totally humorless, puritanical, limp-dicked hijacking of once-dangerous ideology
• “Fringy”, “Edgy”, “Alternative”
• The Bush Administration’s elimination of the inheritance tax
• Calling the ethnic-cleansing-crazy KLA “freedom fighters” (James Rubin, Congressman Eliot Engel, etc.)
• New nuclear war policy targeting 7 nations, including non-nuclear powers and ally Russia
• Failure to mass-produce eXile-endorsed neutron bombs due to Eurofag objections
• NATO expansion
• The richest 25 million people in the United States receive more income than the 2 billion poorest people of the world
• Robert Kaplan’s pseudo-intellectual “clash of civilizations” shtick
• Operation Anaconda
• Absolute Pentagon control of media war coverage
• The Bush-appointed shadow government
• American military presence in over 100 countries worldwide
• Liberals who became hairy-backed war mongers after 9/11 (Michael McFaul, NRP radio, Gary Trudeau, etc.)
• Liberals who backed the Kosovo War as an alleged humanitarian war (Susan Sontag, Gary Trudeau, etc.)
• Hideously overweight adolescents playing their video games
• Free alterna-weeklies with no balls
• Decrease in speed usage by long-distance truckers
• Kobe Bryant
• Meg Ryan
• Jingoistic war movies starring Mel Gibson
• Preservative-laden sliced white bread with no measurable nutritional value
• Shopping mall Santa Clauses
• Single-slot, vertically arranged CD cases
• Sports columnists for nationally distributed publications who talk at length about their favorite Starbucks beverages and their undying love for U2
• No respect or support for genius filmmaker David Lynch
• Poor white trash Republicans
• A glossy mag for every pointless “lifestyle” you can possibly think of
• Houston, Texas
• Houston’s hideous beach-resort-suburb of Galveston
• 90+% humidity every summer day on the east coast
• Enron Field
• 3Com Park at Candlestick Point
• Taxpayer-funded Smithsonian Museum negotiating with GM to sell naming rights to new “hall of transportation” for $10 million and replacing former Air and Space Museum food vendor with McDonald’s, thanks to Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence Small, a former Citibank executive
• Corporate curriculum materials in public schools, such as math textbooks featuring Disney characters
• Courtney Love opposing Nirvana’s surviving members to block the release of a comprehensive CD box set of the band’s material
• “Humorous” e-mail forwards from people who never send real letters, electronic or otherwise
• Government-funded anti-drug internet sites encouraging teens to extort digital cameras and other expensive gifts they don’t need in exchange for not doing drugs
• Civil War chess sets
• Budget-priced SUV marketed at the non-rich that flip over or otherwise kill their riders after minor collisions
• Billionaire space tourists who’ve had way too much plastic surgery
• Spineless assholes with tenure
• Attachment of the suffix “-gate” to every political scandal, no matter how insignificant
• Soulful hard rock bands fronted by short, fat, bald dudes who sound like Eddie Vedder
• Single-strap bags with cell-phone slots
• Increasingly fascist Supreme Court
• FCC v. Pacifica Foundation, 1978 (Supreme court legalizes proscription of “indecent” words)
• Gregg v. Georgia, 1976 (death penalty not “cruel and unusual”)
• Kastigar v. United States, 1972 (grant of use immunity override 5th Amendment protections)
• New Jersey v. TLO, 1985 (schools may search students)
• Hazelwood School District v. Kuhlmeier, 1988 (schools may censor school plays and newspapers)
• Webster v. Reproductive Health Services, 1989 (state may withhold funds or deny use of public facilities for abortions)
• Bush v. Gore, 2000 (hands election to George Bush)
• Board of Education v. Earls, 2002 (legalizes mandatory drug testing in schools)
• Private prisons
• Prison-building among nation’s fastest-growing industries
• Prisoners working as telephone customer service reps for TWA
• Average New Yorker captured on video over 300 times a day
• GATT not allowing states and towns to institute tariffs or laws that violate treaty
• Movies that end with crowds of people standing up and applauding/crying/cheering
• Steve Dunleavy
• Whole world learning English from Midwestern born-again missionaries
• Creeping legitimacy of Tony Roberts
• Jay Kim, analyst, Cooper Hill partners, NY
• Best Picture: Shakespeare in Love
• Best Picture: Gladiator
• Best Picture: Dances With Wolves
• (Best Director: Kevin Costner!)
• Best Picture: Driving Miss Daisy
• Best Picture: Titanic
• Oscars institution Billy Crystal
• John Updike
• The Wonderlic Test

Read more: 9/11, eXile Classic, exile issue 137, hate, Team eXiled, eXile Classic, What You Should Hate

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