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eXiled Alert! / January 20, 2009
By Mark Ames

If you’ve lived in Russia, you know that just before anyone big gets charged with corruption or other high crimes, they always have a way of suffering conveniently-timed heart attacks and winding up in the hospital before the heat arrives and drags him away for some good ol’ fashioned “justice,” Putin-style. We do it here in America as well–it’s an old Mafia lawyer’s trick that Scorsese brought to the screen in that grand finale in Casino. That’s when Remo Gaggi and the other Vegas crime bosses take a break from their trial, pull off their oxygen masks, and hold a vote on whether or not to ice everyone who knows too much.

Every boss seems willing to trust the non-made partners, but sweet ol’ granpa Remo overrules them, shrugging, “Why take a chance?” And the next thing you know, there’s blood spattering all over the screen and Joe Pesci is getting baseball batted in a corn field. So when you see Cheney in his wheelchair at the inauguration, just as some Democrats are timidly considering bringing charges against him, you know that it’s only a matter of time before “House of the Rising Sun” starts to play, Gonzalez goes down in a light plane crash, Kathleen Harris and Ken Blackwell wind up in an alligator’s stomach, Chalabi is found with holes drilled into his skull, and Bush’s suffocated face is discovered buried beneath a three-foot-high pile of pure Bolivian coke, Sharon-Stone-like. Cheney’s wheelchair trick has “why take a chance?” written all over it.


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Add your own

  • 1. Weber  |  January 20th, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    January 20, 2009
    HEADLINE OF THE DAY: Obama Inaugurated, Ex-Klansman Collapses.

  • 2. Dave  |  January 20th, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    It’s a somewhat poetic exit for the Neo-Cons.

  • 3. Big Gay Al Qaeda  |  January 20th, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Maybe they can use an iPhone.

    I can just see it now: Casino – The Next Generation… an iPhone as murder weapon and a pirated Britney Spears tune in the background while the RIAA and MPAA take Pesci and DeNiro juniors to court for possession of downloaded mp3s.

  • 4. Qatesiurade  |  January 20th, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Am I the only one who kept watching to see if Cheney’s arm suddenly shot up involuntarily, Strangelove-style?

    I knew it would be too good to be true to suddenly see a fishnet-stockinged leg suddenly emerge from under the blanket for a fan-kick…

  • 5. Stephen K.  |  January 20th, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Psssh I wish Obama and the dems had the balls to do something. I don’t think they do, and I hope I’m wrong, and I’ll take back all the stuff I said about them being useless fags if they pull off a couple successful prosecutions. We’ll see.

  • 6. John Thomas  |  January 20th, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    It’s a good day for the Republic when Motherfucking Evil Dick is suffering. May it be the first glorious day in a long, slow decay.

    If only I could live long enough to see him being spoon fed by dirty little brown people that hate him, to see the anguish in his eyes as his body betrays his still active mind, to watch his shriveled body collapsed into a wheelchair attending the funerals of everyone he knew and loved.

    Live long and suffer, Motherfucking Evil Dick.

  • 7. geoduck  |  January 21st, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Dick Cheney never loved anyone in his life, and you know it.

    And I agree that the chance of the Democrats bringing up any sort of formal charges is pretty much zero.

  • 8. Mark  |  January 21st, 2009 at 8:45 am

    Funny observation, Ames, but you don’t think it’s actually true, right? It might work for the Russians and might’ve worked for the Mafia in the past, but that trick wouldn’t work in America these days. For one thing, it’s totally unnecessary. Cheney is savvy enough to know that he won’t be ‘tried’ no matter what. He could’ve shown up walking jauntily with a nameless model attached to his arm, and the American people would still let him off scot-free.

  • 9. aleke  |  January 21st, 2009 at 10:01 am

    I don’t think he loves much

  • 10. Ronald R  |  January 21st, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    The Left are supposed to be so full of compassion? Wrong. They’re some of the most twisted, self-righteous preachy vindictive bastards out there.

  • 11. Liberal Score to Settle  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Hey, Ronald R (nice handle, you sycophantic Alex P. Keaton wannabe),

    The Left is compassionate, but after witnessing the country get banged up like a cheap hooker that would sell her last tooth for a knife hit of crank, you’re damn right we’re vindictive. Cheney is pure, unadulterated evil, and deserves the slowest death possible. Or in the manner of any of the thousands of innocent Iraqis whose blood stains his hands.

    So fuck you, you whiny Republican bastard. We’re sick of hearing any sort of opinion about morality or standards from your filthy lot. Shut the fuck up and listen to what our new President has to say. He might even make your sorry ass a better person.

  • 12. Anonymous  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    The Left has more compassion for the young, old, sick, and most of all, the poor. Nobody particularly likes healthy rich middle-aged politicians.

  • 13. Neo del Rio  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    The night before Obama’s coronation, el dick was seriously injured in la zona de tolerancia (AKA ‘Boystown’) in Acuna, where AF-2 had drop-shipped him from angels-69 through the roof of the Ruby Snapper lizard pit. That one smarted. Then one of the workin’ girls started to lap dance on his dome, yellin’, “I been virgin feefteen meenit, Chico. Mek anti-terror boom boom con Lupe, si?” That’s when Dick the dick threw out his fourteenth cirviculoid lumbazite and thumbed a ride to el norte with a local coyote.

  • 14. Blue Veiner  |  January 24th, 2009 at 2:54 am


    Still the god writing what I wish I could. Man this must be the 20th comment I wrote, the closest I’ll come to him. Ames, are you reading me? Can’t we meet sometime? Just you know for beers or something?

  • 15. dog balls  |  January 24th, 2009 at 2:57 am

    I had a dream about Ames last night. In the dream, we met, we talked, had some beers. I said all of these edgy cutting things. He laughed. He said, “you’re really talented, whoever you are.” And then I woke up. Why did I ever wake up from that dream?!

  • 16. pork bellies  |  January 24th, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Here I am again, reading everything Ames writes! Who says I’m obsessed? Ames, I’m doing everything I can to get noticed by you. Please, notice me!!!

  • 17. Drunkio Sakebito  |  January 25th, 2009 at 9:45 pm

    What have we learned?

    The Kennedy fam has shot their load.

    More importantly, the Bushies have also shot theirs. If we elect another Bush to ANY high office we deserve what we get.

    We’ve also learned that the MSM in the US is a sham. Even tho’ they’ve been ‘shaken awake’ after at least 6 years of the 2 terms of the Bush regime.

    Should we trust’em now? Hellz no.

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