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The Daily Inquisition / September 24, 2008


Today’s Defendant: Indian Mob

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: “CEO murdered by mob of sacked Indian workers” runs the newsflash going around the internet, and we regard it in the spirit of gentle approval. Beatifications all around, perhaps?

The poor—whom we have always with us, because they’ve got systems in place to make sure we’ve got a plentiful supply on hand to do the dishes—occasionally assert that their lives have some worth. As is correct. Except here in the USA, where for some reason the underclass rolled over and said the hell with it sometime after the 1930s, and we haven’t had a decent mob action since. What is it with this sick acceptance of contempt and abuse past the point when even Jesus himself would say, “I’ve had it, get my nunchucks”? How can it be that ex-Enron executives walk the streets without fear, that Katrina sufferers didn’t do the Cheney Stomp when he showed up there for his photo op? Kudos and all to that guy who said, “Fuck you, Mr. Cheney!” on camera, right to his face—beatification on that one, stat—but that’s a palliative, a nice thought, shows his heart’s in the right place. What we need is action, mob action, torches optional.

Statement of the Defense: But if we’re asserting that life has worth, doesn’t the CEO’s life have worth? He’s the one who got beat to death with a hammer, after all. And just look at these heartrending statements of mourning issued by various officials:

“Such a heinous act is bound to sully India’s image among overseas investors.”

“The killing has sent out wrong signals, consequences of which would have to be suffered by the state.”

As you see, he’ll really be missed.

Verdict: Live by heartless officialese, die by heartless officialese, plus a hammer upside the skull. Nothing could be fairer than that. Proceed with the mob beatifications as soon as we get their names. And somebody find that fuck-you-Mr.-Cheney guy’s name too while you’re at it. Something about the politeness of the “Mr.” right after the “fuck you” really enchants us. This is a guy who understands the importance of human dignity. No doubt, with a little encouragement, he could put together a nice mob.

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