Today’s Defendant: Clay Aiken
Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: It has come to our attention that there is an abomination known as “Clay Aiken” who is taking up space in the world that we require for other purposes. We are assured he is a real person—as of yesterday, a real gay person, according to every news source in the galaxy—but it’s hard to believe that such a roiling, reeking stew of foul error could be contained in a single sac of human flesh. His gayness turns out to be the only endurable thing about him.
A few monstrous details from the official biography will illustrate the case:
He came to fame on American Idol singing—by his own choice—no one made him do it—songs like Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”, Neil Sedaka’s “Solitaire” and The Foundation’s “Build Me Up Buttercup”.
A born-again Christian, he describes himself in his bestselling “inspirational memoir” Learning to Sing: Hearing the Music in Your Life as a proud Southern Baptist who, in his teens, began seeking “more liberal social policies.” His pre-Idol roots were in CCM (Contemporary Christian Music), and his post-Idol root was getting a lot of action in gay circles, according to tabloid rumors he denied.
He solidified his hold over degenerate Americans by flogging Christmas harder than Toys R Us: the “Christmas in the Heartland” tours, the Disney Christmas parade appearance, the TV special “A Clay Aiken Christmas” with special guest Barry Manilow. The capper might have been on the Nick at Nite Holiday Special featuring a bizarre duet with poor dead Bing Crosby, taking over the David Bowie half of the nightmarish Crosby/Bowie “Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” number of 1977. It was special all right. God only knows that duet was paralyzingly weird enough in the first place without a freak like Aiken horning in. Some say that was the end of the American Century right there.
His devoted followers are known as “Claymates” a category that includes various sub-groups, self-named “Claysians” (Asian fans), “Claynadians” (Canadian fans) and “Claydawgs” (male fans). Together they make up a veritable “ClayNation.” Here’s a sampling of their supportive reactions to Aiken’s coming-out:
• trollynn63: “This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream.”
• Holmes24: “Please tell me I’m not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I’m so upset. This can’t be real!! How can you guys say this won’t change anything? This changes EVERYTHING.”
• plumclayzy: “This will be it for me. I cannot continue to support him financially now that I know he has chosen this lifestyle.”
• clayncfan: “I’ve cried a river of tears and truthfully do not know where I stand right now.”
In September 2006, Aiken was appointed by George W. Bush to the Presidential Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities. No one could say he hadn’t earned it.
Statement of the Defense: We got nuthin.
Verdict: Hard to know where to even begin disposing of this guy. We can’t possibly destroy him enough no matter what we do. Try everything once, then rinse and repeat. Then get serious about it.
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