Khloe Kardashian, Donna D’Errico of Baywatch, former Miss USA Susie Castillo, Playboy nude-model Tammy Banovac, Jesse Ventura and Alex Jones: to most Americans, a list of names like that sounds like the punch-line to an elaborate pop culture comedy routine. Or maybe the cast of another John Waters kitsch-flick, or another one of those degrading reality shows. If that’s what you’re thinking, then you’re clearly one of the brainwashed “sheeple.” You can’t appreciate that Khloe Kardashian & Friends are modern-day American Martyrs– victims of TSA airport gate screener “Nazis,” a jack-booted “Gestapo” who “gate-rape” and “genocide” Americans on a daily basis. Khloe, Donna, Tammy and Susie aren’t sheeple, though–they’re our modern-day George Washingtons and Thomas Jeffersons fighting for our constitutional liberties, and some day our children may owe their freedom to Khloe Kardashian’s Army.
That’s one way of looking at it. Anther way is that Kardashian and D’Errico represent the sorts of martyrs-to-inanity that could only make sense to a generation raised on trash-reality TV.
Whether they’re freedom-fighters or celebritard publicity-whores, we leave that up to our readers to decide. To help you, we’ve put together a quick dossier on Khloe’s Army of Celebrity Martyrs to TSA Tyranny:
#1: Khloe Kardashian
Kardashian sisters bravely head into battle against TSA tyranny
Last December, Khloe Kardashian–the Jan Brady of the Sisters Kardashian–claimed she was the victim of a TSA “rape.” While every other victim of rape in human history has found the experience almost too traumatic to talk about, Khloe went straight to that most ideal of forums to disclose one’s rape trauma–George Lopez Tonight: “Well, they basically just are raping you in public,” Kardashian chirped. “The people are so aggressive! It’s like, ‘Chill out, you didn’t find anything on me yet, calm down.’ They say, ‘OK, I’m going to be patting you down and I’m going to be touching the crease of your ass.’ That is so inappropriate!”
“Inappropriate” was a word many rape-victims’ activists associated with Khloe Kardashian. Jessica Sears Brown, Co-founder of Pandora’s Project, told reporters: “Comparing the two is inappropriate and cheapens the devastation of sexual violence. We understand that Ms. Kardashian found her screening to be uncomfortable. However, I highly doubt she’ll need years of therapy to rebuild her sense of safety and trust in the world after undergoing a TSA screening.”
Hollywood uber-lawyer Gloria Allred agreed: “Words matter and the word ‘rape’ should be used with caution and with great respect for the victims who have been forced to endure it. It is completely inappropriate to use that word for scans or pat downs at airports.”
Khloe just couldn’t get a break, as more and more rape victims’ advocates slammed her poor taste in analogies. Jazmin Robles of the Santa Barbara Rape Crisis Center told Radar Online,
“I think it was an ill-informed thing for her to say. It was a very strong comment to make because rape is defined as ‘forceful penetration’ and a lot of young women look up to celebrities like the Kardashians.
“We are all about educating people about rape at our Center and by using the word in this context it blurs the issue as to what it actually constitutes. Maybe Khloe Kardashian is not educated enough on this subject to be talking about it in the context of airport security.”
Clearly, they just don’t understand the pain that Khloe suffered. It’s like, everyone thinks she just exaggerated it for publicity or something, omg!
#2: Donna D’Errico
Martyrs inspire others into action, and the timing of Khloe Kardashian’s martyrdom suggests she may have been inspired to go public as a TSA “gate-rape” victim by Donna D’Errico, ex-wife of Nikki Sixx, and co-star of Baywatch, Baywatch Nights, and the straight-to-video Candyman 3. Just a couple of days before Kardashian’s TSA “rape” D’Errico complained to AOL News that she’d been singled out for a full-body scan, while her boyfriend– Roy J. Bank, president of Merv Griffin Entertainment—“sailed through with no problems, which is rather ironic in that my boyfriend fits the stereotypical ‘look’ of a terrorist when his beard has grown in a bit, which it was that evening.”
While D’Errico appeared to be unhappy at the TSA’s failure to racially-profile her boyfriend, she wouldn’t go so far as to suggest she’d been singled out in a TSA conspiracy against a celebrity—“I’m not sure whether they had recognized me or not. If they did, they didn’t say anything,” she told AOL News. Whatever the case, D’Errico claimed to be “humiliated” by the TSA agents’ “whispering” to each other and “smiling,” suggesting to D’Errico that she’d been the victim of X-Ray scan “peeping Toms.”
Unfortunately, not everyone believed Donna’s story–and it wasn’t just because she’d whined that the TSA hadn’t racially-profiled her terrorist-looking boyfriend. Cynics and nay-sayers pointed out that some things didn’t make sense. Like how D’Errico claimed that the lascivious male TSA perverts never gave her the option of a pat-down. Think about it: What sort of TSA “rapist” would pass up the opportunity to run his perverted statist hands all over D’Errico’s curvaceous body, instead forcing her to pose for a shitty X-ray photo that may or may not show her body contours. And it’s not like these TSA Nazis weren’t patting down everyone else, including her son–it’s that they didn’t even give her the option of a pat-down. Some totalitarian Nazis they turned out to be! D’Errico seemed actually offended by the fact that they made her son do both the scan and the pat-down, but not her:
“They never told me that they were going to be conducting a full-body scan, or that I had the option of being searched instead. Had they explained what they were doing, I would have opted for the search. As a matter of fact, my son was made to not only go through the full-body scan, but they also conducted a pat-down search on him as well.”
Either they were more interested in her son than in her, or…but nah, only Sheeple would accuse D’Errico of shameless publicity-slumming!
Then of course there’s the whole “but you’ve spent your life posing nude” issue. When the AOL News reporter reminded D’Errico that she’d spent her entire career exposing her private parts for public consumption—Playboy Playmate of the Month spread, Baywatch episodes in bikinis as skimpy as dental floss, posing for Hustler magazine with ex-husband Nikki Sixx—D’Errico suddenly forgot her victim-of-humiliation story, and got her Tea Party ranting-about-her-rights on: “I posed for Playboy 15 years ago. I was on ‘Baywatch‘ 13 years ago. I could have stopped or changed my mind at any time. None of those conditions are present when TSA decides for you that you will consent to being scanned or felt up, or you simply won’t be allowed your constitutional right to travel from one place to another freely.”
Oh and speaking of Tea Party Libertarians and Koch Whores running the anti-TSA publicity campaign, guess who Donna D’Errico supports?
#3: Tammy Banovac (aka “Tammy Lynn Brewer”)
Donna D’Errico wasn’t the only Clinton-era Playboy nudie-turned-martyr of a TSA “sexual assault.”
Last November, a 52-year-old “retired surgeon” showed up at Will Rogers Airport in Oklahoma City in a wheelchair, wearing nothing but a bra and panties beneath her trench coat. The “retired surgeon,” identifying herself as Tammy Banovac, claimed she was protesting against the TSA’s pat-downs: “If it happened anywhere else, it would have been sexual assault,” she told reporters.
Unfortunately for Banovac, her martyrdom was itself martyred, as some people in the media started thinking to themselves, “H’m, something doesn’t seem right about this.” So they checked into just who Tammy Banovac really was, and discovered that her real name was Tammy Lynn Brewer. And that discovery led to a strange paradox: The same woman claiming to be “outraged” over the TSA pat-down had posed nude in a 1997 Playboy spread featuring sexy nude dental girls.
But Banovac had an even better story that she kept hidden: She’s a “retired” dentist because she once killed a 7-year-old patient. Yes, back in the early 1990’s, sexy dentist Banovac-Brewer was such a reckless idiot that she killed a poor 7-year-old boy after pulling nine of his teeth in the back of a physical therapist’s office. For that, her license to practice was revoked, and she was charged with gross malpractice because she used a local anesthesia on the 7-year-old boy against the explicit orders of both the boy’s parents and his cardiologist. He died shortly after those nine teeth were yanked.
According to Oklahoma City TV station KOCO:
The boy suffered from tricuspic atresia, a congenital heart defect, and polycythemia, which caused high blood pressure, the board complaint document said.
The documents said Banovac practiced dentistry in Pima County in two locations; the first was a church and the second was a medical office using portable equipment.
However, Banovac didn’t have a license to practice in Pima County nor gave the board notice to inspect the locations, the documents said.
In 1993, the board said Banovac made false sworn statements during the investigation and found her guilty of gross malpractice of a medically compromised patient and was fined a penalty of $5,000.
In subsequent hearings the board unanimously voted to censure Banovac on two separate complaints. On both complaints she was fined $1,000 each.
Here is a news report from Phoenix TV:
But despite all of this, what the sheeple don’t understand is why Tammy Banovac stripped to her underwear and showed up in a wheelchair when she doesn’t even need a wheelchair. Isn’t that, you know, sort of exploitative and in bad taste? Answer: “She said she was not trying to draw attention to herself or make a scene,” as one media outlet reported. Nope–it was all about defending her liberties, and fighting against fascist TSA humiliation.
Spoken like a true Martyrtard!
#4: Susie Castillo
In 2003, Susie Castillo was crowned “Miss USA” and the world was her oyster. Eight years later, her resume logged yet another “canceled reality show” to her sputtering career as NBC’s “School Pride” went the way of Castillo’s other reality shows. Canceled shows, that is–such as the one-season dud, “America’s Prom Queen,” described by Salon.com as “a reality show that’s exactly as horrifying as that Stephen King movie ‘Carrie,’ except without all of the pig’s blood splattering all over the place.”
Which was downright effusive praise compared to the fate of Castillo’s last reality TV show disaster, “School Pride,” which not only received terrible ratings and reviews, but worse, was accused of faking reality at the expense of inner-city school children, and then leaving the school in worse shape than when they first arrived to “fix” it up.
According to the LA Times, “Local school officials reluctantly allowed a reality television show [‘School Pride’] onto campuses with promises of remodeling, then got stuck with a substandard paint job at one school and at another an embarrassing made-for-TV ‘reenactment’ of an event that never occurred.”
H’m, let’s see: Faking reality? Exploiting other people’s real problems for entertainment and fame? Sounds familiar? Nawww, don’t even think about it, folks!
A few months after “School Pride” was unceremoniously canceled, Susie Castillo filmed herself in Dallas Ft-Worth Airport giving the performance of a lifetime, crying that she’d been “molested” by a TSA screener during a pat-down, just as Khloe Kardashian and Tammy Banovac before her:
“That’s why I’m crying, that’s why I’m so upset. They’re making me choose to either get molested, because that’s what I feel like, or go through this machine that’s completely unhealthy and dangerous.”
Castillo posted her video of herself squirting more tears into her phone camera than Bugs Bunny managed in his Oscar-winning performance, and wouldn’t you know it, the video went viral:
Naturally, this had nothing to do with Castillo’s tanking reality-TV career, and everything to do with the highest possible motives:
“This isn’t about me,” she told ABC News. “Iit did happen to me, it’s not just about my rights, it’s about all rights, the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution is being violated.”
Indeed. Castillo’s website promoted her martyrdom video as a call to action rallying behind Martyr Susie. Readers were asked to sign a petition that she planned to take to Congress. About defending their liberties and stuff. Susie hoped her performance would inspire 1,000,000 freedom-loving Americans to sign her petition for her big presentation in Washington, DC; so far, 977 have signed the petition, meaning she’s a mere 999,003 signatures away from her goal!
And while signing up to defend their Constitutional liberties, visitors to susiecastillo.net were also invited to look at her acting reels and, you know, compare them to her performance at Dallas airport!
Here, check this acting reel out, boy can she act!
Wow, how is it possible that she’s not a star? Welp, that may be about to change. Just a couple of weeks after Castillo’s Dallas martyrdom performance, Texas state Rep. David Simpson, a far-right Tea Party Republican, introduced legislation criminalizing TSA pat-downs. Simpson was part of an insurgent group of Texas Tea Party Republicans who sought to oust the Jewish Republican Speaker of the Texas House and replace him with a Christian. Previously, Rep. Simpson had introduced a state Constitutional amendment further restricting abortions, a bill allowing concealed firearms on Texas college campuses, and blocked legislation that would outlaw “puppy mills.”
[Late note: for some reason, Castillo seems to have removed her video of her moving Dallas airport performance, although other versions can still be found.]
#5: Jesse Ventura
It was inevitable: The publicity-hounding host of a floundering quasi-reality show on TruTV, “Conspiracy Theory,” falls victim to the greatest conspiracy of the Third Millennium: The TSA. In January, Jesse Ventura filed a lawsuit against the TSA alleging, like Martyr Kardashian and Martyr Banovac and Martyr D’Errico before him, that the pat-downs and the TSA’s body imagining “meet legal definitions of unlawful sexual assault and unlawful video voyeurism.”
HONORABLE MENTION: Alex Jones, leader of the 9/11 Truth-Out movement and the Internet’s biggest promoter of TSA Gestapo oppression, is also leading the fight for American liberty. By leading a “mob” to storm the Texas state house building in Austin after Rep. David Simpson’s bill was allowed to die.
Watch as Alex Jones breaks it all down what’s really happening here: It has nothing at all to do with publicity-seeking or political theater, and everything to do with defending America’s civil liberties:
Yes folks, it’s all about defending our civil liberties. We sheeple may not understand it, but the intrepid celebrities of Khloe’s Army sure do. And thanks to them, some day we may be able to fly in such a way that only non-unionized private security employees pat us down, rather than unionized government workers. And that will make all of us a lot more free–if we can just earn enough money to fly, that is.
Mark Ames is the author of Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion from Reagan’s Workplaces to Clinton’s Columbine.
Click the cover & buy the book!
Read more: libertarian, playboy, koch, Tea Party, tsa, khloe kardashian, jesse ventura, alex jones, fourth amendment, david simpson, donna d'errico, nikki sixx, tammy banovac, hustler, susie castillo, Mark Ames, Tea Party, Koch Whores
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