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Entertainment / Video Games / January 22, 2009

You might wonder why I’m covering Cabela’s Trophy Bucks for the Nintendo Wii, an unheralded game that came out last June. Well, I’ll tell you. I was recently laid off, so I took a trip to the local Blockbuster to see which game would offer the most to an aging, half naked man sitting on his couch in the dark with a huge bowl of cereal on his paunch and tear stains on his face.

But when presented with the opportunity to shoot Nazies, aliens or zombies, I just couldn’t muster the atavistic spirit needed to really stick it to the bad guys. Then I saw a big, shiny deer eye staring out at me from the cover of a Wii video game, and I thought “I could shoot that.”

But as I looked at the image, a thought occurred to me: Was the small chunk of deer face on the cover of the game box my intended target? Or was it a some deer meat I had already torn off with my huge hunting gun?

Only one way to find out!

The opening menu shows a nice water-colored forest scene, with some happy country traveling music in the background. Ah! My spirits are lifted! Let’s shoot some animals and bond with friends!

I can name myself! But who should I be? What do I want out of this? I want to work my way up the food chain, shooting animals along the way, until I arrive at the ultimate pray, Xenomorphs. But I know there are no Xenomorphs here, and I doubt I will get the chance to hunt a human being, even ‘accidentally’. But what the hell, I might as well be prepared for my dreams to come true, and so I dub me:

Cheney!

I HUNT THE HUNTERS!

I can do a Career Hunt, a Game Slams, or a Free Play. Game Slams sounds like bullshit at first, but let’s consider what is meant by ‘Game’ here, and ‘Slam.’ Since this is a hunting game, ‘Game’ could refer to animals. And slam could either mean that I just slam down some animals real quick one after another, or that I actually get to physically slam their bodies down after I kill them, like some kind of mini-game: Test your might!

Game Slams, here we go!

“You have not unlocked Game Slams, go to Career Hunt!”

Good thing I am already disgruntled. Career Hunt it is. I will make short work of these woodland creatures and their families.

Ah, another menu. Fully fifteen minutes and I haven’t shot anything! Obviously, every menu selection should be a type of animal whose coat cleverly spells out a menu option. I would then select my choice by shooting the animal. I could have already shot like 10 things by now.

I would certainly shoot the Gun Library option. But alas, it is currently a one gun library, featuring a .243 Bolt-Action it claims can be used for deer or “varmints”. Sufferin succotash!

I begin my career. And by career, I mean killing spree.

I begin in Alberta, Canada standing in a river with a gun in my hands. Birds chirp in the trees, and I see a family of deer nearby. I am instructed to take down at least one Blacktail, and I will get medals for my trouble. As though the carnage were not payment enough.

I accidentally pull the trigger and fire, scaring the deer who begin to run. But using my fine killing instincts, I lead one on the run and fire a bullet straight into his furry body, causing him to tumble into the weeds. When I put the Wii remote down, the angle of the motion sensor causes my hunter to point his gun in the air and spin in circles. And so I begin to come unraveled.

My anonymous god of murder has already granted me a new weapon as a reward for my kill. This pleases me. I now have access to the .22-250 Bolt-Action Rifle. The game tells me I killed two deer, and I don’t even remember shooting one of them. I must have blacked out. I only wonder if I killed it with my gun, or…

Now I must kill Ptarmigans. I don’t know what that is, though there is a dog in front of me. His back is turned; a sign of disrespect. He must pay. But the dog cannot be harmed by bullets. It must be a figment of my splintered imagination. I resume my spinning dance while I type in my journal.

Kill targets: Blacktail, Ptarmigan and Turkey

The dog stands uselessly by, so I have to flush the ptarmigans myself. They are birds, there were two. Lovers perhaps. Ptarmigans bore me. Now I must kill Turkeys. The turkeys peck happily in the grass, their trademark plumage bright and erect. I ready my shotgun and shoot a turkey on the ground. A voice congratulates me: “Right through the middle!” The dog speaks!

More guns, more medals. Ugh, and more ptarmigans. I need more whiskey.

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9 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Joe Blow  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 am

    This game totally misses the point of hunting

    but it was good for a funny review

  • 2. Koryavi  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 11:52 am

    …Imagine my disgust when I’ve tried to shoot Amata (Fallout 3) and she’s just blacked out, sort of lay there for a bit,then stood up not a slightest bit dismayed with my character putting 7 bullets through her skull (some thick bones).

    No joy of killing whatosoever.Might just revisit original Fallout.Even “M” games are getting more and more mainstream by the second.

  • 3. Hank  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    And they won’t even let you turn the gun on yourself. That’s the part that really pisses me off. That would be the best ‘Quit to main menu’ option ever.

  • 4. Allen  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    “And they won’t even let you turn the gun on yourself. That’s the part that really pisses me off. That would be the best ‘Quit to main menu’ option ever.”

    Agree!

  • 5. Dammerung  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 6:47 am

    You have to wonder where good gameplay ends and a psychotic episode begins

  • 6. Baked Dr. Luny  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    It’s not good gameplay until you’re having a psychotic episode.

  • 7. The Amazing Crustacean  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    The point where a psychotic episode begins is known as “the point of awesomeness”.

  • 8. TheKlink  |  January 24th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Nothing stopping us putting children and animal models into a gta game and letting rip. other than talent that is.

  • 9. UbelEngelis  |  February 3rd, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    My best suggestion this side of Menu by Suicide I think has to be the introduction of a pocket-pooch skeet shoot for training, when you run out of dogs, you can substitute any heiress/socialite of your choosing… Just a thought.


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