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Entertainment / Video Games / January 22, 2009

You might wonder why I’m covering Cabela’s Trophy Bucks for the Nintendo Wii, an unheralded game that came out last June. Well, I’ll tell you. I was recently laid off, so I took a trip to the local Blockbuster to see which game would offer the most to an aging, half naked man sitting on his couch in the dark with a huge bowl of cereal on his paunch and tear stains on his face.

But when presented with the opportunity to shoot Nazies, aliens or zombies, I just couldn’t muster the atavistic spirit needed to really stick it to the bad guys. Then I saw a big, shiny deer eye staring out at me from the cover of a Wii video game, and I thought “I could shoot that.”

But as I looked at the image, a thought occurred to me: Was the small chunk of deer face on the cover of the game box my intended target? Or was it a some deer meat I had already torn off with my huge hunting gun?

Only one way to find out!

The opening menu shows a nice water-colored forest scene, with some happy country traveling music in the background. Ah! My spirits are lifted! Let’s shoot some animals and bond with friends!

I can name myself! But who should I be? What do I want out of this? I want to work my way up the food chain, shooting animals along the way, until I arrive at the ultimate pray, Xenomorphs. But I know there are no Xenomorphs here, and I doubt I will get the chance to hunt a human being, even ‘accidentally’. But what the hell, I might as well be prepared for my dreams to come true, and so I dub me:



I can do a Career Hunt, a Game Slams, or a Free Play. Game Slams sounds like bullshit at first, but let’s consider what is meant by ‘Game’ here, and ‘Slam.’ Since this is a hunting game, ‘Game’ could refer to animals. And slam could either mean that I just slam down some animals real quick one after another, or that I actually get to physically slam their bodies down after I kill them, like some kind of mini-game: Test your might!

Game Slams, here we go!

“You have not unlocked Game Slams, go to Career Hunt!”

Good thing I am already disgruntled. Career Hunt it is. I will make short work of these woodland creatures and their families.

Ah, another menu. Fully fifteen minutes and I haven’t shot anything! Obviously, every menu selection should be a type of animal whose coat cleverly spells out a menu option. I would then select my choice by shooting the animal. I could have already shot like 10 things by now.

I would certainly shoot the Gun Library option. But alas, it is currently a one gun library, featuring a .243 Bolt-Action it claims can be used for deer or “varmints”. Sufferin succotash!

I begin my career. And by career, I mean killing spree.

I begin in Alberta, Canada standing in a river with a gun in my hands. Birds chirp in the trees, and I see a family of deer nearby. I am instructed to take down at least one Blacktail, and I will get medals for my trouble. As though the carnage were not payment enough.

I accidentally pull the trigger and fire, scaring the deer who begin to run. But using my fine killing instincts, I lead one on the run and fire a bullet straight into his furry body, causing him to tumble into the weeds. When I put the Wii remote down, the angle of the motion sensor causes my hunter to point his gun in the air and spin in circles. And so I begin to come unraveled.

My anonymous god of murder has already granted me a new weapon as a reward for my kill. This pleases me. I now have access to the .22-250 Bolt-Action Rifle. The game tells me I killed two deer, and I don’t even remember shooting one of them. I must have blacked out. I only wonder if I killed it with my gun, or…

Now I must kill Ptarmigans. I don’t know what that is, though there is a dog in front of me. His back is turned; a sign of disrespect. He must pay. But the dog cannot be harmed by bullets. It must be a figment of my splintered imagination. I resume my spinning dance while I type in my journal.

Kill targets: Blacktail, Ptarmigan and Turkey

The dog stands uselessly by, so I have to flush the ptarmigans myself. They are birds, there were two. Lovers perhaps. Ptarmigans bore me. Now I must kill Turkeys. The turkeys peck happily in the grass, their trademark plumage bright and erect. I ready my shotgun and shoot a turkey on the ground. A voice congratulates me: “Right through the middle!” The dog speaks!

More guns, more medals. Ugh, and more ptarmigans. I need more whiskey.

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Add your own

  • 1. Joe Blow  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 am

    This game totally misses the point of hunting

    but it was good for a funny review

  • 2. Koryavi  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 11:52 am

    …Imagine my disgust when I’ve tried to shoot Amata (Fallout 3) and she’s just blacked out, sort of lay there for a bit,then stood up not a slightest bit dismayed with my character putting 7 bullets through her skull (some thick bones).

    No joy of killing whatosoever.Might just revisit original Fallout.Even “M” games are getting more and more mainstream by the second.

  • 3. Hank  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    And they won’t even let you turn the gun on yourself. That’s the part that really pisses me off. That would be the best ‘Quit to main menu’ option ever.

  • 4. Allen  |  January 22nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    “And they won’t even let you turn the gun on yourself. That’s the part that really pisses me off. That would be the best ‘Quit to main menu’ option ever.”


  • 5. Dammerung  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 6:47 am

    You have to wonder where good gameplay ends and a psychotic episode begins

  • 6. Baked Dr. Luny  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    It’s not good gameplay until you’re having a psychotic episode.

  • 7. The Amazing Crustacean  |  January 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    The point where a psychotic episode begins is known as “the point of awesomeness”.

  • 8. TheKlink  |  January 24th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Nothing stopping us putting children and animal models into a gta game and letting rip. other than talent that is.

  • 9. UbelEngelis  |  February 3rd, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    My best suggestion this side of Menu by Suicide I think has to be the introduction of a pocket-pooch skeet shoot for training, when you run out of dogs, you can substitute any heiress/socialite of your choosing… Just a thought.

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