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Fatwah / September 8, 2008

Sarah Palin Looking Hot, Hot, Hot

All this talk of Sarah Palin for Vice President has gotten so pervasive you can hear it as you walk down the street, a kind of sinister hiss eddying around you that sounds like spaylinspaylinspaylinspaylin. It has a scary hypnotic effect that I remember from—before. You know, that time in 2000 when a certain obnoxious yahoo emerged on the national stage as a candidate for the White House, and even as every sane person was laughing him off, you could hear it growing, this low cloddish chant that went dubyadubyadubyadubya.

So before we all succumb to mass hypnosis, let me just point out that what we’ve got here is another Manchurian Candidate.

If you don’t remember the book The Manchurian Candidate, or the great movie version, or the other not-so-great movie version, let me just lay out it out for you: an evil cabal trying to take over the US government brainwashes a bunch of American POWs so that, when they’re asked about a certain member of their platoon who’s about to become important to the upcoming presidential campaign, they’ll all recite the same line:

“Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.”

Raymond Chats With His Mother

Thing is, Raymond clearly isn’t kind, brave, warm, or wonderful. He’s a repulsive little tick and everybody hates him. But the brainwashed soldiers have to keep repeating the line, even while experiencing nausea, night terrors, and suicidal tendencies from the sheer trauma of praising Raymond Shaw. And the American public, of course, get suckered in, and the election is just about to won by the forces of darkness when, thank God, there are some handy political assassinations, just in time. But it’s not like you can count on those.

Fast forward to Sarah Palin and the current bizarre mantra echoing around us: “Sarah Palin is the most attractive, likable, intelligent, and highly qualified candidate for Vice President I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Note the boldness of the current cabal’s hideous scheme! Making everyone repeat the exact opposite of what’s plainly true about the subject at hand, so we’ll be maddened by the zombie chorus of insane lies. I mean, “Attractive…likable…”!!

For those who might argue it’s just a matter of opinion, here’s an unposed, non-airbrushed photo of Sarah Palin to ponder:


Isn’t She Lovely?

Oh, just a bad angle, you say? Her expression’s too severe? I’m deliberately trying to make her appear to be the thickest, nastiest office manager who ever stuck a shiv into her co-worker to get that promotion? Or the most repellent PTA mom at the bake-sale, the one with the mean mouth and the smug jaw and the greedy bulgy eyes? All right then, here’s a photo of Sarah Palin smiling, made up for Vogue magazine:

Medusa’s Ghastlier Sister

Made you jump, didn’t it?

But it may already be too late; the numbers of the brainwashed are overwhelming. Among the top ten most Googled phrases this weekend was, reportedly, “sarah palin hot.”

Read more: , , , , Eileen Jones, Fatwah

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