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The Daily Inquisition / September 8, 2008

Today’s Defendant: White Trash

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Today we must prune a vile weed spreading over what was once a beautiful continent: white trash. It is with heavy heart we pronounce sentence, for we are survivors of Berkeley, California, and Berkeley made us hate anything “progressive” for ever and ever, Amen. And what makes it harder still is that we ourselves are white. Indeed, we blame you most bitterly for forcing us onto the same side as the inexpressibly vile Leftists we used to mock.

But we must face facts.

Look at this continent! Overgrown with you filthy, ignorant, physically repulsive, absurdly vain white trash. And, let us be clear on this, you are not cute; you are not authentic; you are not the salt but the very scum of the earth. You hate all that is decent, you eagerly embrace your worst enemies and shun anyone who tries to help you, you learn nothing from generation to generation. If Teddy Roosevelt saw you, he would despise you, and would not have you or yours in his house even as servants.

Worst of all is your fecundity. When, O when, will that blessed day dawn when whites are a minority? O, to think that we, who suffered under Berkeley’s heretical progressives, should have to say such a thing! But it has come to this: we sentence you to have your tubes tied, your scrota emptied, your DNA banned, that your shrill, mean, wholly unnecessary voices be deducted from the planetary hum.

We call down this vengeance knowing that we ourselves will be collateral damage. It has come to this, calling down a divine airstrike on our own coordinates. It is the will of God—who, by the way, is an old-school European, erudite and cynical, and does not like you nearly as much as you think.

Statement of the Defense: Your Honor, you are being far too lenient. Having had to associate with the defendants, discussing beer, NASCAR and elitism, we suggest stronger measures, such as nerve gas.

Sentence: We will be lenient nonetheless. After all, we are acting in the name of a merciful God, not the vengeful hick worshipped by these people. Therefore we order forced sterilization of every fecund White Trash humanoid in the Red States, but permit the use of local anaesthesia in some cases, as where noise is a problem for decent people trying to sleep.


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