Today’s Defendant: The Canonization of Kathryn the Martyr
Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Today we have the joyous task of elevating the late Kathryn Johnston, of Altanta, Georgia, to sainthood. Saint Kathryn found glory in November 2006, at the age of 92. She was sitting quietly in her hovel when a squad of drug cops found marijuana in a small grove of trees near her building. Eager for a victim, they planted it on the first man who walked by and offered him a deal: play Judas and give them the name of a cocaine dealer and he would go free. The man pointed at the first apartment he saw, and by God’s Grace picked that of the martyr Kathryn.
The killers kicked down her door without knocking and charged in, guns drawn, in the hunt for substances which might cause pleasure. Kathryn, acting with divinely-inspired speed, fired, shooting one of the filth three times.
Clearly, the hand of God guided her aim, for how else could a 92-year old woman blaze with such speed and accuracy, though taken by surprise?
She died at their hands, of course—for there is no more vicious beast than a drug cop. They fired 39 bullets into her, and she fell riddled like Sebastian, as so many have fallen before her. But she died fighting, and was welcomed into Heaven by the clash of swords from the Heavenly Hosts.
The Life of Saint Kathryn shows that is never too late for Grace to find us, and it is never too late to shoot a drug cop. Glory to Holy Kathryn, first of the eXiled saints!
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