Vanity Fair profiles The eXile: "Gutsy...visceral...serious journalism...abusive, defamatory...poignant...paranoid...and right!"
MSNBC: Mark Ames and Yasha Levine
Broke the Koch Brothers' Takeover of America
www.exiledonline.com
Gloats / Koch Whores / March 2, 2012

I travelled to Breitbart’s hood to carry out a private investigation of what happened…and found a grisly, blood-splattered crime scene just a block away from his home.

***

It didn’t take long after Andrew Breitbart’s death was reported for the Baggertarian Believers to start ominously tweeting out some of the craziest (and funniest) conspiracy theories this side of the John Birch Society. Part of the blame goes to the official “Breitbart died of natural causes” story they put out—no one believes he died of “natural causes,” neither his fans nor his detractors. But if you’re a fan of Breitbart, you can’t face the awful reality of what everyone knows did kill him—degenerate personal habits, and bile.

So naturally, Breitbart’s abandoned hate-junkies turned to wild conspiracy theories and plots that did everything to avoid his obvious drug addictions and swollen arteries, and instead externalized the cause to the usual list of villains: George Soros, Media Matters, Jihadis, liberals, #OWS, the Illuminati, One World Government, and so on. And of course, the “socialist” “Islamic” “Kenyan” is the Breitbart-Bircher crowd’s number one favorite as the guy running the conspiracy…because you know, Andrew Breitbart knew too much, man! He flew too high!

“Did President Obama or the criminal interests that put him in office have Andrew Breitbart killed?” asked Truth-Bircher Alex Jones in a special conspiracy report filed from his bedroom studio, focusing on the popular-among-Breitbaggers theory that President’s Obama’s henchmen whacked Breitbart to prevent the release of damaging mpeg evidence and protect Obama’s radical Muslim-Marxist secret identity. WorldNetDaily, Michael Savage, and countless other winger outlets reported the same conspiracy theories. Even Fox News got in on the action, reporting that Obama’s “assassins” might not have destroyed every single copy of Breitbart’s secret tapes…

I live just a few townships over from the very sidewalk where Andrew Breitbart died. And I was starting to think, “If these Birchers are serious about their conspiracy theories, that Brentwood sidewalk is going to be the Daley Plaza of the winger-world.”

I thought I’d get in my car and check it out myself, look at the “scene of the crime” and try to see the Brentwood sidewalk where the “assassins” hired by Obama might have hatched their deadly plot. I never thought about this much before he died (oops, I mean “was assassinated in a vast conspiracy”), but Andrew Breitbart and I had been practically neighbors. He lived in a chi-chi estate in Westwood near the UCLA campus, just fifteen minutes from my rank apartment in Venice Beach.

My plan was simple. 1) Go to scene of conspiracy; 2) Get into the mindset of a Birch-bagger, think like a Birch-bagger, feel like a Birch-bagger, dress like a Birch-bagger, become a Birch-bagger; in other words, “Be The Birch-Bagger Conspiracy Theorist”; 3) Retrace Breitbart’s last neighborhood stroll, and observe the scene of the crime for clues about where Obama’s assassins might have hidden; 4) Record everything I see and think, and report “the truth” to the world.

The results of my experience will shock and startle you. Or make you giggle. Depending on what your bag is.

***

CONSPIRACY SETTING: Breitbart’s home sits on the northern edge of LA’s massive Veterans Cemetery and within spitting distance of Interstate 405—the busiest, most congested freeway in the country. I arrived there at 2200 hours. I noted that the  lights were on inside the house, and I could see someone in the kitchen rummaging through the fridge. What was in that refrigerator? The secret evidence that will expose the plot? Breitbart’s frozen heart? A pint of Chunky Monkey?

The freeway noise was deafening–the perfect cover for a hit job, I thought to myself.  You bastards!

I observed two razor scooters leaning against a wall near the entrance and a note hung on the door. What follows is a dossier of secret photographic evidence of the crime scene that I’m sharing with the world for the first time.

Andrew Breitbart’s brother-in-law mans the gate and keeps the family safe from throngs of mourners stopping by to pay their respects to a great American patriot…

…there was only one note on the door. I read: “Susie — I love you guys and will find you soon. Ken”

Breitbart walked down this big government sidewalk, never to return…

Further down the street:  What looks like a normal sidewalk, holds all sorts of hidden dangers…

…Close up shows 2 strategically located cracks in the curb (circled in pink), plenty of defensive positions (pink arrows) and a layer of invisible slippery twigs (green circles).

Why hasn’t the FBI launched an investigation into what appears to be a deadly IED, camouflaged as an oil slick stain? Is this how America treats its patriots?

The Manchurian Sidewalk: Did unionized city employees turn a patriotic pedestrian walkway into a coldhearted assassin programmed to kill Andrew Breitbart and make it look like an accident?

What was a maintenance truck doing here parked at 11 p.m.? And why does it look exactly like the one used in the 1993 World Trade Center bombing? Was Breitbart targeted by al-Qaida because of his courageous Islamofacism?


A block away I stumbled on a grizzly scene. Dark red spots that looked like blood.  Did he hit head and bleed all over the place.  Or was he taken out by a bullet that came from the McMansion across the street?

“The Bathroom Man” in the window has a clear line of sight to the location of the blood smears…

Follow the Bag: Mysterious ‘Plastic Bag Man’ spotted lurking around the Baggy Knoll…

…holding the same exact plastic bag Obama carried out of a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco during a campaign fundraiser on Feb. 16, 2012! Which means….Oh shit! Mystery Bag Man links Breitbart’s assassination directly to President Barack Obama himself! Here come the black helicopters. Must inform the world….ugh!…hard … to…breathe…it hurts…can’t….reach the…puh…puhblish  button…

***

Yasha Levine is a  founding editor of The eXiled. You can reach him at levine [at] exiledonline.com.

Want to know more cool shit? Read Yasha Levine’s investigation into the life of Harry Koch, the man who spawned Charles and David Koch, the two most powerful oligarchs of our time: The Birth of the Koch Clan: It All Started In a Little Texas Town Called Quanah

Read more: , , , , , , , , , , , , Yasha Levine, Gloats, Koch Whores

Got something to say to us? Then send us a letter.

Want us to stick around? Donate to The eXiled.

Twitter twerps can follow us at twitter.com/exiledonline

69 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. one-eyed jesus muffin  |  March 5th, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    I bet the fat loud fuck belched up his larded heart.

  • 2. Jim Choad  |  March 5th, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    do U think he popped out an ole joshua foust suppervillain komplex meatloaf turd when he croaeked

  • 3. Percy  |  March 5th, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    They call it “fool’s meth” for a reason.

  • 4. Uncle_Billy_Cunctator  |  March 6th, 2012 at 1:09 am

    Agree with Lars above. This story reeks of spooky ham-handed government cheese.

    Fess up, please. First: Yasha simply rewrites all the research I did on the Koch Bros. grandpappy (minus the really juicy parts, of course) and puts a tiny cherry on top by offering up the Hayek connection; then an article that deflates Elizabeth Warren; and then I see the transparency project dedicated to discrediting people like Ezra Klein and Jane Hamsher. Either you have a mole on my facebook page or you’re systematically going through all the comments I’ve ever left on econ blogs over the years. Which is it?

  • 5. Mr. Bad  |  March 6th, 2012 at 5:52 am

    @ 41. Mr. Bad

    “Hey, I spend way too much time here, trying to come up with a devastating analysis.”

    Well, that makes two of us.

  • 6. blowback  |  March 6th, 2012 at 8:01 am

    @21 C367
    “Obama and the other dude carried a bag of CHINESE food. Hint hint.”

    I’d love some AB Chow Mein to go with the fava beans….. slurp

  • 7. Steve  |  March 7th, 2012 at 10:36 am

    We all know that members of governments around the world have committed secret atrocities including ours. I.E. Watergate, water-boarding, radiation testing on African Americans etc. Can you keep an open mind until an autopsy is done? Or, are you all so heartless and partisan that murder only matters if he’s on your side?

  • 8. Robbie  |  March 7th, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    This is sick. Breitbart was a great man and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

    Reviling in the deaths of your philosophiocallly-opposed opponents makes you vile human beings.

    Not surprising since it’s easier for you all to dance on a dead man’s grave than it is to back up your liberal world view with logic, truth, or facts.

  • 9. Jedi Mind Trick  |  March 7th, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    @#58

    Don’t worry Rob, we’ll dance on your grave too.

  • 10. Uncle_Billy_Cunctator  |  March 7th, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    The bit about Yves Smith didn’t get through the moderation? Ding.

  • 11. Mike C.  |  March 7th, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    @ 58. Robbie

    Breitbart was a rat-fucker.

    If you can complain about celebrating his death in any but the most generic “a guy died” kind of way, you’re a rat-fucker, too.

    Breitbart gave cover to genocide via poverty, in protecting his corporate benefactors. He, and his idiot buddies, took down benign organizations via blatantly deceptive editing, parading around the moral transgressions of Democrats (who are also idiots), while ignoring those of his own supposed ilk (“supposed,” since few apart from the backwater hicks that followed him, believe he was convinced of the piffle he was paid to promote—making him a whore, empty of any real convictions).

    Anything anyone could say about Breitbart’s corpse, and legacy of faux-journalistic stupidity, PALES in comparison to the things of which he’s guilty.

    Great? (And man?) Unless you mean “great” in terms of bulk; that’s arguable.

    http://buffalobeast.com/?p=12436

    This comment was de-cuntified by AEC Troll Cop v2.1

  • 12. Mike C.  |  March 8th, 2012 at 4:18 am

    Gee willikers—the AEC censoring for actual profanity?

    This is disorienting. I’m dizzy. Oh no, I’m losing my balance! My equilibrium is being disrupted by ineffectual liberals! Agh—that unpatriotic sidewalk is coming right at me!

    Meh. Whatever. At least Breitbart’s still dead.

  • 13. Anthony Weiner's Penis  |  March 8th, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Hey guys! No, no- down here. That’s right. Hi. Hey, how’s it going?

    Look, Andrew (or “Andy” as he preferred) may I have had our differences, so maybe you’d think me biased in saying we need to counter the whitewashing of the injustice he did to me.

    I had it all- money, fame, women. An active social life. I’m almost 48, so it’s important to be socially active, you know.

    Then one day… Breitbart destroyed everything. The Scandal! Now my name, Anthony Weiner’s Penis is forever linked with Andy’s. Google me! You’ll see his name next to the unauthorized candid picture of me greeting constituents. It’s embarrassing! I can’t even go out in public anymore.

    Until we stop rejoicing in his death and the false conspiracy theories and get to the REAL victims of this dead blowhard, true justice will continue to elude us.

    Sincerely yours,

    Anthony Weiner’s Penis

  • 14. AEC Troll Cop v2.1  |  March 8th, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    im sad b\C i have asperger’s

    prbrbrbrbrbrb

    double tomato w/BAAACON

  • 15. KBaratta  |  March 10th, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Wit and pith. I thought it was a lost art.

    Thank you and please, say on. I will definitely be back.

  • 16. Whyawannaknow  |  March 10th, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Ooh looky- Breitbart like him some Adderal and Cocaine… Along with his alcohol.

    http://www.alternet.org/drugs/154463/what_really_killed_andrew_breitbart_the_likely_cause_of_death_the_mainstream_media_ignored/?page=entire

    No surprises here.

    [QUOTE]
    But as C-SPAN noted, Righteous Indignation suggests otherwise. “I thought I could drink when I came to Tulane,” Breitbart writes. “I had some hard-and-fast rules to prevent becoming an alcoholic, such as: don’t drink during sunlight hours. By the end of my time at Tulane, I was going to bed so early in the morning and waking up so late in the afternoon that this rule was almost impossible to break. Thank God I wasn’t developing a drinking problem.” Breitbart also mentions growing into his fraternity brothers’ Hollywood-native image of him as a “hard-living, cocaine-fueled man of a thousand lovers.”

    But there has been some public speculation that Breitbart’s drug use didn’t end in college. A source close to the blogger told The Fix on condition of anonymity that he’d done cocaine with Breitbart as recently as last October. On the day after his death, Anthony Cumia, of the radio show “Opie and Anthony,” said of Breitbart, “I went out drinking with him, and boy, can he party.” “He liked to stay awake,” added Anthony. “That’s all I’ll say.” Other friends maintain that Breitbart regularly took high doses of Adderall and other stimulants to counteract his lifelong ADD. (Both cocaine and Adderall, an amphetamine, can increase the risk of a heart attack. The FDA even warns that Adderall can cause “sudden death in patients with heart problems or heart defects.”)
    [/QUOTE]

  • 17. hahaha  |  March 16th, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Even a conservative can’t resist doin’ some white bitch.

  • 18. hermitian  |  April 8th, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Dude you totally got it right. But here is a link to some guy’s fantasy about the “real scene of Andrew Breitbart’s death as reported reported by the Crimes Guns and Video Tape website.

    http://www.crimefilenews.com/2012/03/eyewitness-speaks-out-about-andrew.html

    Andrew Breitbart was nowhere near his home when he collapsed and died.

  • 19. Adirondack Patriot  |  April 18th, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Andrew Breitbart is dead. You won, Ames. He’s too much of a pussy to stay alive, he got his ass wiped because he’s a loudmouthed weakling pussy who can’t even handle his drugs. Shit, even sorority girls handle their drugs better than Breitbart.
    Anyway, now that I can’t kiss Breitbart’s rotting dead ass, can I kiss yours please?


Leave a Comment

(Open to all. Comments can and will be censored at whim and without warning.)

Required

Required, hidden

Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed