Issue #26/51, November 5 - 18, 1998  

First off, let me apologize for forgetting to mention last issue that Fanza offers a 10% anti-crisis discount to any customer-all you have to do is ask for it. This week it's on to Pizza Express-a chain apparently, hailing from the land of Beefeaters and dental inadequacy. Don't ask me to explain it; I only work here, folks. Whatever it all means, the chain has arrived in Moscow, just in time for Pizza Hut's departure and the long-awaited bottoming out of the crisis (see Matt Taibbi's story). Brand ownership and Scandau Ballet furnishings aside, however, there's nothing too terribly British about the place-it's American all the way. Anyone who has ever seen the inside of a California Pizza Kitchen will recognize the austere-but-airy design, and the menu doubles up on the word "pizza" a la Little Caesar. So much for local color.

The food's impressive enough, though. The pizzas (mostly in the $8-16 range) are comparable in size and price to Patio Pizza, but the flavor's in a completely different league. For starters, the crust is ideally crispy-a solid indicator of quality ovens and the know-how to use them properly. Add to this surprisingly fresh ingredients-in our case, mushrooms ($9) and prawns and hot peppers on the cajun number ($16)-and you've got a pizza with enough pizzazz at least to qualify as one of Wolfgang Puck's frozen gourmet jobs. Not too shabby really, under the circumstances. There are about 15 menu pizzas in all, including the standard margherita ($8), American hot (with spicy sausages and peppers-$14), and Maria Stuarda ($20 for a pie loaded with smoked salmon and king prawns). Plus, the obliging chefs will put just about anything you want on a pie-truffles from Piedmont, orange slices, high-octane gasoline, you name it. Real please-the-Jr-flatheads stuff, but who can blame 'em?

Other food options are limited, but not altogether unpleasing. The $14 lasagna comes in a stingy little portion, but the texture has so much crispy, baked-on cheese oomph it might just be worth it. The mozzarella/tomato salad ($13) is OK, with pink winter tomatoes and dried basil flakes from a little glass bottle. On the other hand, the garlic bread sticks ($2) are a pungent delight, even if a little greasy.

The desserts are pedestrian but yummy: we had pieces of a rich chocolate fudge cake ($6) and a classy cheesecake ($8). The Basque militants who joined us late in the meal had the compulsory tiramisu ($7), which was equally good. The coffee ($2 for espresso or American, $3 for cappuccino) was free of noticeable suckage.

Look up from the yuppified urban nightmare of a table and you might notice the crow's nest perched above the bar area. This is the setting for live easy-listening jazz from passable Russian combos 12 hours out of the day. Some booze might soften this blow, so let's check out the product range. Beer patriots will be appalled by the $5 price tag on Baltika half liters; a better bet is the house wine at the same price per glass. Fancy lads can pick up a $100 bottle of Barolo that sells for about $15 in the Italian village of the same name-then again nobody can stand a fancy lad, ya know what I mean?

I guess that's pretty much it. Pizza Express is not exactly the perfect place for a date, but beige business types should find it inoffensive in every conceivable way. One last note on pricing policies: according to the menu, "an optional service charge of 10% will be added for parties of 7 or more." It doesn't take a Paul Backer, Esq. to smell something fishy going on there. This could be a job for eXile general counsel Moe Snideman. Either that or Professor Grammar.