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October 2008

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Anyone dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween is condemned to waterboarding with extreme prejudice. How we’re going to manage to torture such a huge crowd of morons I don’t know—we’ll have to hire a lot of temps, I guess, and have them work in shifts. Because as far as I can tell, everyone is going as Sarah Palin tonight. Male, female, young, old, gay, straight, human, animal, it doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to see thousands of fake (or should I say faker) Sarah Palins roaming the streets, lock your doors and keep the curtains closed.


October 31st, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Human vs. Dog Bravery

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: On rare occasions, certain people are brave, and must be commended.

October 29th, 2008 | Leave Comment

War Nerd Update: Jack al-Sparrow vs. the Do-gooders!

Can I time these articles or what? The day after I put up my article on Ethiopia’s troubles in Somalia, 5 car bombs go off in two Somali cities targeting the Ethiopian consulate in Hargeisa, the Presidential Palace (such as…

October 29th, 2008 | Comments (1)

WAR NERD: From the Rhino's Head to the Hyena's Belly

A couple of years ago I mentioned that Ethiopian troops were occupying Mogadishu and said it was the perfect experimental setup for us. Now we could find out if anybody could pacify that place. Well, the answer’s in, because the…

October 28th, 2008 | Comments (1)

DAILY INQUISITION: White America Achieves Perfection

Today’s Defendant: White America Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Today we write in praise of White America. It’s long overdue, says Frank Rich, the New York Times columnist. He wrote a recent article called “In Defense of White America” in…

October 28th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Animal Righteousness

Today’s Defendant: When Animals Attack! Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: There used to be this tremendously moral show on TV back in the 1990s called When Animals Attack! It was all about how you should respect animals or else suffer…

October 27th, 2008 | Comments (1)

FILM REVIEW: The Depression and High School Musical 3

No way. Actually, I refuse to review High School Musical 3. We all know it’s rotten. Which brings me to my point: where the hell are the movies? I mean the ones for mass audiences, designed to make sentient beings…

October 27th, 2008 | Leave Comment

The Daily Inquisition: Ashley Todd

The Damnation of Ashley Todd Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Little need be said here. What does a Texas Republican know about stigmata? What could an Anglo-Saxon understand about self-mutilation?

October 24th, 2008 | Leave Comment

The New Cold War's Premature Ejaculation

You may not have noticed it, but a couple of weeks ago, the New York Times slipped in a story that completely contradicted a narrative that it had been building up for two straight months, one that was leading America into…

October 23rd, 2008 | Comments (1)

Daily Inquisition: You Can't Win

The Good Book: You Can’t Win Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: There are few good books. You Can’t Win by Jack Black, a forgotten memoir of the 1920s is a very good book. For that, we honor it. This Jack Black…

October 23rd, 2008 | Comments (2)

Daily Inquisition: Saint Andrew Lahde

The Canonization of Andrew Lahde Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Though Kenny Rogers will never write a song in his honor, Andrew Lahde is what redemption looks like. Or, more to the point, sounds like. Lahde spent the first part…

October 21st, 2008 | Leave Comment

FILM REVIEW: W. Stands for "What the Hell?"

Don’t be fooled by how amusing this image looks. You ever sit through the rough cut of your friend’s independent film? Well, I have, lotsa times, God help me, so seeing Oliver Stone’s W. really brought back some nauseating memories….

October 20th, 2008 | Comments (1)


Today’s Defendant: The Simpsons Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: We might as well stop beating around the bush and have the whole show canonized, if that’s possible. If not, all the characters can be saints, right? Or would it have…

October 17th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Russian Video Roundup: A Love Song For Sarah Palin & The Chick Who Gives O'Reilly A Stiffy

The Russkie dream of buying out America’s economy might have tanked, but the Russians are increasingly sneaking across the border and making their presence felt in the U.S. media. Here is this week’s Russian-American video roundup. 1. Love Song For…

October 17th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Taxing Joe the Plumber

Today’s Defendant: Joe the Plumber Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Oh, this guy’s got to pay. Joe the Plumber, aka Joe Wurzelbacher—or maybe his name’s actually Samuel and he isn’t a licensed plumber–but regardless he’s an arrogant bald-headed prick who’s…

October 16th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Tips for New Paupers

Little did I know that when I lost everything last year, I was doing research. At the time I thought it was just stupidity or bad luck or both. But now that the economy’s crashing, it turns out I’ve been…

October 15th, 2008 | Comments (35)

DAILY INQUISITION: The Further Punching of Christopher Buckley?

Today’s Defendant: Christopher Buckley, Again Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Being “the latest conservative/libertarian/whatever to leap onto the Barack Obama bandwagon” has lost Buckley his post at the National Review, the rag his father William F. founded, and he’s been…

October 15th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Punching Christopher Buckley

Today’s Defendant: Christopher Buckley Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Like his father before him, Buckley has led a life of vilest error from beginning to end: speechwriter for G.H.W. Bush, author of reams of smug crap, wearer of that stupid…

October 14th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Beware of False Gods Like Cletus

Cletus, god of the heartland Today’s Defendant: Evangelical Ministers Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Every few months for untold years now, an evangelical minister crawls out from under a rock in the American heartland and says something transcendently stupid that…

October 13th, 2008 | Leave Comment

THEATER REVIEW: Keep That Curtain Closed!

This is theater! I went to a play recently, I’m ashamed to admit. It was a Tom Stoppard play called Rock ‘n’ Roll, which is embarrassing beyond words. It wasn’t my idea! But even so, I went with a certain…

October 13th, 2008 | Leave Comment