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What You Should Hate / August 13, 2009
By Yahweh


Greetings, earthlings. God here. What, you were expectin’ E-frickin-T? Sorry chimps–I mean, chumps–ah, what’s the difference. Chimps-chumps: you limbed types bore Me. As a designer, you humans are not My proudest moment, and that’s putting it lightly. The designs I love most are the designs I keep around–like jellyfish and worms. Especially the worms–ah, how Yahweh loves His worms. And I think you’ll agree with Me after you get to know the remarkable beauty that is the spiny-headed parasitic worm, Pomphorhynchus laevis. That photo you see above? That’s one of the cute little bugger’s proboscises, with backwards hooks and thorns, which the worm uses to hook itself into the intestinal wall of its host. You humans use knives and forks to eat; My lovely pomphorhynchus laevis uses these hooks to latch onto the intestinal walls of a freshwater fish, pierce the intestine so’s to make eating the fishie a little easier and more comfy for My Chosen Worms. Gorgeous, ain’t it? Here, look at a close-up:


I’m gettin’ Stendhal Syndrome just looking at that gorgeous contraption, imagining it latched into an intestinal wall, lapping up a fish-host’s blood. Now, look at the basic design of this worm, from My workshop:


I dare anyone to compare that boring Mona Lisa thingamajig to my spiny-headed worm: a real work of art. Now, compare that mock-up above to the real-thing below, after I put it into full production:


Yeah, I’m thinkin’ of suing the Middle Ages for copyright theft–where do you think they got that whole mace idea from? Yours truly. But you humans don’t know weaponry like Yahweh does.

See, my pomphorhynchus laevis also knows how to carjack and steer other creatures around the stream, joyriding them like they’re someone’s parent’s Chrysler, crashing them into a Drive-Thru fast food joint called “a fish,” and feasting on the new host’s guts. I’ll explain.

When the spiny-headed worm is but a pup, daintily floating in a freshwater stream, it finds its way into the intestinal tract of a shrimp-like crustacean known as an amphipod. The spiny-headed worm spends his youth in the amphipod’s guts, lapping away and devouring its way through a blissful parasitic childhood. But as it gets bigger and fattens up, the amphipod no longer suits my worm–so he hot-wires the shrimp’s sense of smell so that rather than fleeing from predatory fish that eat it, the amphipod actually swims towards its predators. The worm also trip-wires the amphipod’s pigmentation to make it more visible. And, most brilliant of all, it convinces the amphipod to go out for a big swim in the middle of the day, when all the other uninfected amphipods usually hide–because that’s when the predatory fish are out in force. Here’s what the teenaged spiny-headed worms look like while they’re steering their crappy amphipods towards a fish:


So, along comes a blue fish, and bam! The spiny-headed worm crashes the amphipod host straight into the blue-fish’s mouth. Why? Jeez, you humans are soooo stupid! Because the blue-fish has lots more guts and blood to chew on. And it’s much roomier, so the spiny-headed worm can raise an entire extended family in the fish. Like this:


Awww, ain’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? All those little spiny-headed worms feeding away on a deee-licious intestinal wall? It just melts My heart, I tell ya! And dang if it doesn’t make My stomach growl with hunger! M’m-m’m! That picture above is all thanks to Me, by the way–that’s My design. Don’t tell Me that God doesn’t know how to design beautiful things in this world.

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Add your own

  • 1. k  |  August 13th, 2009 at 4:00 am

    biology: the study of plants and their parasites.

  • 2. t\hawk  |  August 15th, 2009 at 6:16 am

    Please, please, write more articles of this sort! I miss the Schopenhauer Awards in the old eXile. 🙂

  • 3. Araj  |  August 17th, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Ok, does that mean that when you eat fish you run the risk of having these gangsters gnaw your intestine the same way, they are doing it to the fish.

    Can these fellows survive in the human intestine

  • 4. Rhology  |  August 20th, 2009 at 7:09 am

    Um, the attractiveness or imagined morality of an organism, its normal function, or its behavior doesn’t affect whether it was intelligently designed or not.

  • 5. aleke  |  August 25th, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    “Um, the attractiveness or imagined morality of an organism, its normal function, or its behavior doesn’t affect whether it was intelligently designed or not.”

    Of course not, idiot! This is why the question isn’t intelligent design but the `benevolence` of an Abrahamic personal god.

  • 6. whenwego  |  August 26th, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Your Highness, you left out the final piece where the spiny worm morphs into Betsy McCaughey.

  • 7. Stephanie  |  February 14th, 2015 at 8:19 am

    Um, I don’t believe he was suggesting that parasites are not intelligently designed, Rhology.

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