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eXile Classic

(Articles sorted by the date they were added to The eXiled archives, not their original publish dates.)

Feature Story: Extreme Murse-Over

All these years, I’ve been wondering to myself, “What’s wrong with Russians? What’s with their strange Byzantine ways? And what the fuck is the deal with that murse thing?” “Murse?” you ask. The stubby little word may sound unfamiliar, but…

Posted on: August 11th, 2006 | Comments (2)

Winter Fashion Guide: Shapka Shopping

(a.k.a. Yakov Borisovich Levandovsky) I came back from vacation this week and found myself urgently in need of a warm winter shapka. I lost my last one after I gave it to some guy in exchange for a bottle of…

Posted on: January 14th, 2008 | Comments (1)

Run Over by A VW Van

That was how he died, Professor Robert Beloof, my first mentor: crushed by a hippie van. In Portland, yet. It was a ridiculous way to die, and Beloof was, let’s face it, a ridiculous man. But it was also a…

Posted on: March 4th, 2009 | Comments (27)

The War-Se, The Better

It was a week for do-it-yourselfers in the war world. A little lesson for us all, that you don’t need a lot of hardware to make war. All you need is the old standbys: hunting rifles, blasting caps, and trucks…

Posted on: October 17th, 2002 | Comments (2)

It’s D-Day In Zalambessa

Let’s see how well you know your military history. Give the date and place of this comminique: “Our Victorious Forces Liberate Zalambessa!! Our victorious and heroic air and ground forces have liberated the town of Zalambessa after completely annihilating the…

Posted on: October 2nd, 2002 | Comments (5)

Bird Flu Fever

In much the same way as the War Nerd gets a boner from cataloging exotic and bloody conflicts, I get my stiffies from closely following the progress of the world’s most cunning and devious infectious diseases. I dunno — maybe…

Posted on: March 24th, 2006 | Leave Comment

Issue #9 Cover

This is the cover of issue #9 of The eXile, published June 1997.

Posted on: June 5th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Issue #10 Cover

This is the cover of issue #10 of The eXile, published June 1997.

Posted on: June 19th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Limonov Files: Jews: Effective, Excellent, Talented, Anxious, Crazy Arrogant, Self-Lovers, Megalomaniancs

The world has two extremely opposite opinions about them: 1. The destiny of Jewish tribe is terrible tragedy. It is exceptionally tragical. The Jews are martyrs of History. They are persecuted by non-Jews. 2. The Jews are ruling the world…

Posted on: June 19th, 1997 | Comments (2)

Limonov Files: Truly Wonderful Years!

A year ago I wrote a poem, concerning nineties. I will translate it from my excellent Russian to my broken English as best, as I can. The Nineties I drunked “Rakia” I have fucked Maria I had my happiness accented…

Posted on: December 2nd, 2005 | Leave Comment

eXile Classic: Edward Limonov’s “Solzhenitsyn Sells Out!”

(This article was originally published April 1, 1997) On March 26th, communist leaders Gennady Zyuganov and Anatoly Lukyanov been seen entering dacha of famous writer Alexander Solzhenitsyn at Serebryany Bor. What for? We now know what for.

Posted on: August 4th, 2008 | Leave Comment

The Case for Nuclear Winter

Courtney Love: another gloating vampire. (Lately we’ve been hearing a lot of crazy talk about a “nuclear-free world.” So what better time than now to rerun an eXile classic by Dr. Dolan–an elegy penned before its time, to the nuclear winter…

Posted on: April 13th, 2009 | Comments (71)

Editorial: What About the Virgins?

Lost amid the furor over the takeover of the Media Most empire is the following crucial truth: that of the key figures on either side of the controversy, none of them would be genuinely sexually appealing to any comely 16-year-old…

Posted on: March 7th, 2001 | Comments (4)

Live at the Witch Trials

Three men convicted of producing the class B controlled drug opium were each jailed… In each man’s case Judge McDonald took two years’ jail as the starting point for sentence. Otago Daily Times (April 17, 2001) It takes radio signals…

Posted on: March 7th, 2001 | Leave Comment

Book Review: Mao Meets the Addams Family

“Mao: the Unknown Story” by Jung Chang and Jon Halliday Random House 2005 See it on Amazon.com… When I watched the second Addams Family movie, I knew there’d be a “blockbuster biography” of Mao coming soon. The key scene comes…

Posted on: July 1st, 2005 | Comments (1)

Feature Story: Russia’s Sex Slave Graveyard

The guy on the left in the Santa suit is responsible for up to fifty murdered sex slaves, including his own daughter. A version of this article first appeared in the February 2008 issue of Penthouse magazine. NIZHNY TAGIL — Last…

Posted on: February 6th, 2008 | Comments (5)

Knock-knock! Who’s Theerrre? The eXile Kustomer Komplaint Killer, Killing Kustomer Service at its Source!

Could anything be more frightening than the thought of Russian service becoming as full of gushing smiles, how-can-I-help-yous and have-a-nice-days as the average California juice shop? We at the eXile believe that the final death blow to the Russian soul…

Posted on: May 22nd, 1997 | Leave Comment

Moscow Babylon: Techno Land Otters

I can tell you God’s plan for this place very concisely: God created this place as a critique of me. – John Dolan I hate this time of the year. Being stuck in the Moscow heat is like unpaid overtime…

Posted on: May 22nd, 1997 | Comments (1)

Feature Story: USAID: Jerks, Perks, and Propaganda

Whenever they travel overseas, most Americans are aware that the locals hate them, but few know why. Usually Americans ascribe bad blood to jealousy. Iranian flag-burning mobs? Uneducated, unfortunate and misguided people, afraid of progress. Okinawans? Sore losers, still mad…

Posted on: May 22nd, 1997 | Comments (2)

Issue #8 Cover

This is the cover of Issue # 8 of The eXile, published May 1997.

Posted on: May 22nd, 1997 | Leave Comment

A Million Pieces Of Shit

“A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey. Doubleday 2003, $22.95 *** This is the worst thing I’ve ever read. A Million Little Pieces is the dregs of a degraded genre, the rehab memoir. Rehab stories provide a way for pampered…

Posted on: May 29th, 2003 | Comments (7)

Frey’s Fairy Godfather

“My Friend Leonard” James Frey Riverhead Hardcover 2005 $24.95 See it on Amazon.com… James Frey is a liar. A bad one. And hugely successful. You can discover just how bad a liar he is by reading his second novel, My…

Posted on: September 9th, 2005 | Comments (1)

Feature Story: Platzkart Hell

I boarded my platzkart wagon heading out of Izhevsk feeling like I could die. And that was BEFORE entering platzkart–the infamous Russian third-class railway carriage. The train car, packed to the brim with foul-smelling Izhevsk hicks, was like one giant…

Posted on: December 15th, 2006 | Leave Comment

Future War: Hi-Tech Toys vs. Fanged Vermin

They asked me to think about how war would change over the next 150 years for the eXile’s anniversary issue. Weird to think about it: wars going on when you’re dead. My doctor told me it’s maybe 15 more years…

Posted on: September 19th, 2002 | Comments (2)

Letter From America: I, Mark Ames, Goes Lesbian Yenta

In the Reagan years alternative culture trends came and went with such speed that only a desperate fool tried to keep up. I was a desperate fool, and I tried at times to keep up, but I was too slow…

Posted on: August 23rd, 2001 | Comments (2)