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eXile Classic

(Articles sorted by the date they were added to The eXiled archives, not their original publish dates.)

Knock-Knock: Who's Theeerrre? The eXile Insurance Agency!

AIG Insurance eXile: Hello? Irina? AIG: Yes? eXile: Yes, hello, I was given your number. My name is Michael B-. AIG: Pleased to meet you. eXile: Likewise. I’m calling because I’m interested in acquiring a life insurance policy. AIG: I…

Posted on: March 20th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Moscow Babylon: Surrender At Any Price

There was an earlier version of this very column that was much better. But it got spiked. Matt didn’t like it, and nowadays, what Matt says, goes. See, I sold him the eXile for a song-or rather, a dirge. And…

Posted on: March 20th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Feature Story: American Dyevushka: A Day In The Life

International Women’s Day means many different things to many different people. For flower sellers, it’s sweeps month. For men, it’s time to learn to make pasta. But for women-oh yes, women-it means a whole lot more. We here at the…

Posted on: March 6th, 1997 | Comments (1)

Moscow Babylon: California Dreamin'

Now that I’m back in print, I’m starting to hear it all over again: Ames, are you some kind of anti-Russian? The short answer is, if I didn’t like it here, I’d leave. The long answer goes something like this:…

Posted on: March 6th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Death Porn: Honoring Women

In Honor of Women’s day, Death Porn offers a glimpse of the better sex at work, at play, and at murder. Soap on a Rope A kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Romanova, tried to hang a 20 month old baby with a…

Posted on: March 6th, 1997 | Comments (2)

Death Porn: The State Withers Away-By Suicide

Russian prisoners looking to escape may not have to wait much longer for a choice opportunity. The press service of the GenProkuratura announced this week that more than 100 prison guards last year killed themselves, at a rate roughly analogous…

Posted on: March 20th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Feature Story: Media Whores

In the old days, back when I worked for a different Moscow newspaper, I used to be visited by a lanky, chainsmoking Azerbaidjani named Fakhrid Tairov. Tairov dressed in cheap ties and sport jackets, which he hid under a huge…

Posted on: March 20th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Moscow Babylon: Break A Leg

I’ll write stories that will make them come from the ends of the earth to kill me… then at last it will be over, and that’ll be fine with me. – Celine I have a contract out on me. Not…

Posted on: February 20th, 1997 | Comments (4)

Feature Story: Living Hell

The Victim Where are your greatest dangers?-in pity. – Nietzsche I did everything I could to avoid her. She’d been leaving message after desperate-rape-victim-voice message on my answering machine. What could I say? You were your own worst enemy, Marina….

Posted on: February 6th, 1997 | Comments (1)

Feature Story: How to Kill A Foreigner

A British expat goes down to the local kiosk to buy himself a pack of cigarettes, and notices a street bum begging for money. He hands the bum 3000 rubles, gets his cigarettes, then leaves. The next morning, passing the…

Posted on: February 20th, 1997 | Leave Comment

Press Review: Tell US What You Think!

The eXile is soliciting commentary on the following article, written by Michael Wines of the New York Times. We need your help in attaining a more perfect understanding of this article. Send your comments to editor Matt Taibbi at taibbi@exile.ru,…

Posted on: July 26th, 2001 | Leave Comment

From Lebanon To Iraq: We’re In Deep Shia Now

Iraq Police Academy 6: Doin’ The Mosul Shuffle! FRESNO, CA — OK, we’ve just gone through a really exciting time in world military moves, so let’s test your strategic IQ. What’s the relation between these three recent developments: 1. On…

Posted on: May 15th, 2008 | Leave Comment

War Nerd Summer Reading Guide

FRESNO, CA – It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best…

Posted on: May 20th, 2008 | Leave Comment

The Kingdom of OMON

I started hearing about OMON before I ever saw them. I’d only been in Moscow a few weeks when a bar debate erupted over the authenticity of a YouTube clip purporting to capture an OMON deathblow. During an arrest an…

Posted on: May 18th, 2007 | Comments (1)

War Nerd Called It: Indians And Pakis Too Faggy For War

Will India and Pakistan ever finish the cat-fight and get on with a real war? “We live in hope,” like my grandma used to say — but don’t hold your breath. Listening to the Indian and Paki generals shaking their…

Posted on: December 5th, 2008 | Comments (75)

Crouching Camel-Toe, Hidden Snapper

Her name was Wana. My first and only slope. I boned her last night. I done-did her right here in Kentucky, in the heart of the Bible Belt. Wana didn’t say, “Me so hoh-nee, me love you long time!” Instead,…

Posted on: September 7th, 2001 | Comments (2)

Feature Story: COMBED OVER!!!

It all started two weeks ago. There is a certain person, whom I will hereafter refer to as a Little Birdie, who often sends the eXile materials and ideas for stories and pranks, without getting any credit for contributing. Two…

Posted on: August 10th, 2001 | Comments (2)

War Nerd Classic: The Mauritania Coup Factory

In honor of today’s coup in Mauritania, EXILED ONLINE is reprinting a War Nerd classic about a previous Mauritanian coup in 2005, one of scores of coups that this War Nerd-friendly nation has been churning out since independence.

Posted on: August 6th, 2008 | Leave Comment