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All Articles: Page 18
Jonathan Franzen: “Will Rim Bobos For Book-Of-The-Month Fame”

This review was first published in The eXile on March 21, 2002. Jonathan Franzen’s novel The Corrections, billed as a masterpiece, is a worthless fraud, a hopelessly trite story gaudied up with tedious overwriting. The overwriting is meant to conceal…

Aug 27, 2010 | Comments (42)

How To Annoy Obama’s Russia “Expert”: An Exile Classic Prank Featuring Our Old Nemesis Michael McFaul

This classic “prank” first published in the summer of 1999 ranks as one of the eXile’s least-successful pranks (which paradoxically made it x-tra annoying) on our longtime nemesis Michael McFaul–formerly a top Clinton USAID official in Moscow, Carnegie Endowment and…

Aug 25, 2010 | Comments (9)

Scott Pilgrim vs. the Box-office

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is a financial flop so far, I don’t know why exactly. It’s aimed directly at the prized demographic of Young People Who Still Go to Theaters to See Movies If Anyone Does, In Order to…

Aug 15, 2010 | Comments (31)

Death Of “The Assassin”

I just found out–belatedly–that one of my childhood heroes, Jack Tatum, died of a heart attack a few days ago. When Tatum played for the Oakland Raiders in the 1970s, he was the most intimidating football player of his time–not…

Aug 1, 2010 | Comments (61)

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Russia’s Original Gangstas: Meet The Gopniki

This article first appeared in The eXile on June 1, 2007 For months now, our overseas readers have been asking us, “What’s a gopnik?” They have a vague idea of what a gopnik looks like, thanks to our Face Control page:…

Jul 22, 2010 | Comments (28)

The War Nerd Returns: Be Famous Or Be Shot Tryin’

I know, I know, I’ve been AWOL a long time. Shoot me. No, seriously. I wouldn’t object. It’d be great to get shot, as long as it was quick and fatal, not somewhere like the shin, where you scream like…

Jul 19, 2010 | Comments (115)

Predators: Killing the Talkative

I found Predators to be amusing as hell, but then, I was in just the right mood for it. I’d had one of those brain-melting work weeks when you do nothing but talk to people, prepare to talk to people,…

Jul 13, 2010 | Comments (27)

Great Americans

Notice to readers: We are scrapping the Great Living Americans nominating process due to your miserable failure, and hereby revoke your suggestion privileges. The eXiled has also initiated a review of our policies regarding the solicitation of reader input to…

Jul 4, 2010 | Comments (84)

Why Soccer Sucks: The Antidote To World Cup Idiocy

  As an antidote to the current World Cup soccer idiocy, we suggest taking 1 full dose of The eXile’s classic soccer takedown, published during the 1998 World Cup. Here’s a little something to consider for all you folks who’ve…

Jun 24, 2010 | Comments (177)

Knight and Day: Addressing the Tom Cruise Problem

I’ve hated Tom Cruise for twenty-five years now. It’s been one of my favorite traditions, hating Tom Cruise. It involved refusing to go to his biggest blockbusters like Top Gun, then occasionally, foolishly succumbing to the temptation to see just…

Jun 23, 2010 | Comments (45)

Toy Story 3: Pixar Bastards Engulf the World in Tears and Snot

Seriously, it beats me how people managed to develop such an appetite for sloppy sentimentality. With each successive hit feature, Pixar tests the limit of that appetite, and finds that there is no limit. Audiences drink up vats of Pixar’s…

Jun 21, 2010 | Comments (26)

Mark Twain’s Autobiography: A Pre-approval

You might have heard that Mark Twain’s autobiography is going to be published this fall—the real one, not the abridged, expurgated, censored, compromised, cleaned-up, Sunday school superintendent version that’s circulated over the years. 5,000 pages of sheer bile, cussedness, and…

Jun 17, 2010 | Comments (54)

Manhattan’s Welfare  Kings: How Billionaires Turned Farms Into Personal Tax Havens and Petty Cash Machines, Allowing Them to Give Less, While Taking More

This article was first published in the New York Press. Wall Street bankers and retired hedge fund billionaires have been talking about fiscal responsibility and deficit reduction, preparing the masses for austerity measures and cuts in social services—which we are…

Jun 15, 2010 | Comments (34)

The A-Team: How Dumb Exactly?

It’s pretty simple, really. If you don’t like action films, don’t go see The A-Team. That is, if you complain when a film has explosions, and a lot of shooting and punching and special effects crashes and whatnot, and no…

Jun 14, 2010 | Comments (26)

Teagagged! Born In Offshore Drilling, Tea Party Protest Silenced Over Organizers’ Links To 2008 “Drill Here! Drill Now!” Campaign

This article was first published in Alternet. Why are the hoppin’-mad Teabaggers so oddly quiet these days, ever since the BP oil disaster? That’s what Thomas Frank, author of What’s The Matter With Kansas? asked last week in his column, “Laissez-faire…

Jun 13, 2010 | Comments (30)

BREAKING NEWS: Mexican Army Captures Zetas Commander In Charge of Monterrey

This afternoon the bullets were once again flying over my city, as Mexican Army soldiers captured the JEFE DE PLAZA of the Zetas in Monterrey Héctor Luna “El Tori” (short for Hector), along with other collaborators in an operation in…

Jun 9, 2010 | Comments (33)

Get Him to the Greek, Then Just Say No

We’re desperate for a laugh these days. Life was bad enough already without oil-covered seabirds. So naturally some gits arranged to provide us with oil-covered seabirds, really glopping the oil on them so they’re clearly immobile in the photos except…

Jun 6, 2010 | Comments (12)

Victorville Dispatch: Still Here, Still Proud [and Still Poor]

For months people had been asking me if I’m still living in Victorville and if so, why I stopped writing about it. Some dumbshit even accused me of running back to live the big city life, as if I was…

Jun 5, 2010 | Comments (33)

Meet The New York Times Critic Who Took 25 Years To “Get” The Fall

This article first appeared in Viceland.com Somehow I missed this review in the NY Times of The Fall’s new album. The article is titled “Mr. Smith Shows His Staying Power,” and it came out a couple of weeks ago. I wish I…

Jun 4, 2010 | Comments (26)

Escape From America: The Strange & Scary Billionaires Behind The Libertarian-Inspired Sea Castles

This article was first published in Alternet What happens when Americans plunder America and leave it broken, destitute and seething mad? Where do these fabulously wealthy Americans go with their loot, if America isn’t a safe, secure, or even desirable…

Jun 2, 2010 | Comments (108)

Feckin’ Independent Film

Feck, as the Irish say. Feckin’ independent film, it’s not worth shite. I just watched Ondine, this Neil Jordon thing set in contemporary Ireland about a soulful fisherman played by Colin Farrell, who catches a young woman in his fishing…

May 31, 2010 | Comments (17)

A Memorial Day War Nerd: Gettysburg Was The Finest Fight Ever In The World

When the fourth of July rolls around, you’re supposed to think of, I don’t know, the Constitution and backyard cookouts like in old Chevy ads—but for me, it’s really Gettysburg we’re celebrating. Greatest battle in American history. But the battle,…

May 30, 2010 | Comments (34)

Is Rand Paul Just Another Neocon Republicrat Masquerading As A Libertarian Rebel?

This article first appeared in Antiwar.com “When it is said that nothing, including a nuclear strike, is off the table on Iran, are those who say it not also threatening genocide?” – Rep. Ron Paul, May 22, 2007 “I don’t think…

May 25, 2010 | Comments (49)

Facebook Friends: God Died to Get Away From Us

Maybe somebody could explain Facebook to me. I’m on it and I still don’t get it. I hate it without understanding it, like a dog barking at a vacuum cleaner. Facebook’s in the news for violating people’s privacy and selling…

May 23, 2010 | Comments (67)

Top Billionaire Hedge Funder Sees Himself As a Hyena Devouring Wildebeests

This article first appeared in Alternet. Ray Dalio is a billionaire hedge fund manager who makes more money in a single day than most Americans will earn in their entire lifetimes. That’s because hedge funds are the top of the…

May 22, 2010 | Comments (62)