Now that services have ended at the First National Church of Crawford, Texas, it’s clear America needs a new religion. Not to nitpick, but it could be argued that rule by the most loudly born-again or, as scholars call it, Screechocracy, was not a success.

That’s not to say we can hope for an improvement by veering leftward, into one or another version of softcore Buddhism, as recovering Christians tend to do. Let’s face it: Buddhism has some nice statues and incense, but it’s no fun at all. Indeed, adopting that most dismally mature of religions means giving up forever on the idea of getting any fun out of existence. That’s the whole message of Buddhism.

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It seems that after eXile’s 11 long years of celebrating drug use, some of our more skeptical readers still don’t think we’ve been candid enough about our drugs use. Well, it just goes to show that you people aren’t just cowards, you’re imbeciles, too. So bending to lowest denominator reader demands, we are going to start explicitly admitting our drug use so that you can work up the courage and be just like us. (more…)

Klaatu has a bad day.

Number One at the box-office over the weekend, The Day the Earth Stood Still is a great study in all the things that can go wrong with a movie. The plot’s all haywire and the casting’s rotten and the dialogue’s stupid and the camerawork’s ugly and the CGI sucks. It’s right over the line into Mystery Science Theater territory, so if you’ve got any witty friends, I recommend you round them up and hit a matinee this week. Very solid and sustained laughs to be had mocking The Day the Earth Stood Still. The film’s editor has thoughtfully included long, boring stretches during which you and your pals can practice your rapid-fire jokester one-up-manship and not miss a thing.

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For just 300 rubles or about 10 bucks, Russians now can decorate their aquariums with replicas of the sunken Kursk submarine, in which 118 Russian sailors suffocated to death eight years ago. Note the certificate authenticating the important fact that the aquarium decoration is “Made In Russia.” (more…)

Today’s question comes from a reader named Artiom. Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to ask@exiledonline.com. Team eXiled is here to help.

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Dear eXiled,

I need to sneak out of Russia and travel to Belgium without getting caught. I am a citizen of both countries, but Russia wouldn’t let me out, they want me to serve in the army first.
So how the hell do I get out of here??

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We’re in trouble now, people. The Somalis of Minneapolis are joining the jihad. That’s according to a story that came out this weekend claiming that young Somali-Americans are flocking to dear old Somalia to join the jihad.

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