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The Daily Inquisition
Daily Inquisition: You Can't Win

The Good Book: You Can’t Win Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: There are few good books. You Can’t Win by Jack Black, a forgotten memoir of the 1920s is a very good book. For that, we honor it. This Jack Black…

Posted on: October 23rd, 2008 | Comments (2)

Daily Inquisition: Saint Andrew Lahde

The Canonization of Andrew Lahde Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Though Kenny Rogers will never write a song in his honor, Andrew Lahde is what redemption looks like. Or, more to the point, sounds like. Lahde spent the first part…

Posted on: October 21st, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: The Simpsons, Amen

Today’s Defendant: The Simpsons Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: We might as well stop beating around the bush and have the whole show canonized, if that’s possible. If not, all the characters can be saints, right? Or would it have…

Posted on: October 17th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Taxing Joe the Plumber

Today’s Defendant: Joe the Plumber Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Oh, this guy’s got to pay. Joe the Plumber, aka Joe Wurzelbacher—or maybe his name’s actually Samuel and he isn’t a licensed plumber–but regardless he’s an arrogant bald-headed prick who’s…

Posted on: October 16th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: The Further Punching of Christopher Buckley?

Today’s Defendant: Christopher Buckley, Again Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Being “the latest conservative/libertarian/whatever to leap onto the Barack Obama bandwagon” has lost Buckley his post at the National Review, the rag his father William F. founded, and he’s been…

Posted on: October 15th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Punching Christopher Buckley

Today’s Defendant: Christopher Buckley Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Like his father before him, Buckley has led a life of vilest error from beginning to end: speechwriter for G.H.W. Bush, author of reams of smug crap, wearer of that stupid…

Posted on: October 14th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Beware of False Gods Like Cletus

Cletus, god of the heartland Today’s Defendant: Evangelical Ministers Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Every few months for untold years now, an evangelical minister crawls out from under a rock in the American heartland and says something transcendently stupid that…

Posted on: October 13th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: Stuff White People Like

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Self-hatred is a dangerous game when practiced by Anglos. The danger is not that they will take self-hatred too far but, on the contrary, that in their capable hands it will quickly warp into coy…

Posted on: October 10th, 2008 | Comments (1)

Daily Inquisition: Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Today’s Defendent: Joe Arpaio Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Joe Arpaio is a man who enjoys his job. His job is terrorizing Mexicans, always a popular pastime in the southwest.  Arpaio wins 80-90 per cent approval from the aged voters…

Posted on: October 9th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: The American Voter

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: The American election cycle is the perfect complement to America’s vain, self-serving Calvinist religion. American Democracy and American Calvinism both pander to lazy, bipolar drama queens who lack the least capacity for moral introspection. The…

Posted on: October 8th, 2008 | Comments (1)

Daily Inquisition: Jellyfish

Today’s Defendant: Jellyfish Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: God has a grand assortment of flails, whips, crops, knouts, taws, fouets and quirts. In His house are many mansions, and in those mansions are many walk-in closets to overawe the best-equipped…

Posted on: October 7th, 2008 | Comments (1)

Daily Inquisition: Dean Lesher, Compost

Today’s Defendant: Dean Lesher, 1902-1993 Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: We have said that most humans are not worthy of damnation. The life of Dean Lesher is a dramatic demonstration that even outsized American lives leave nothing worthy of Hell,…

Posted on: October 3rd, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: "Folks"

Today’s Defendants: The words “Folks” and “People” Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: The epithet “folks” is sinful in itself. It is employed by hucksters of various cults to make their victims feel included. We are included only in the sense…

Posted on: October 2nd, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: This Particular Universe

Today’s Defendant: This Universe Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Thanks to a team of physicists at Cal Tech, the most sacred site in the Anglo world, we know at last the bitter truth: this universe is damned. We live under…

Posted on: October 1st, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: Bugs Bunny as Role Model

Today’s Defendant: Bugs Bunny Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: In seeking an example of sterling virtue worthy of canonization, one name clearly shines out above the rest: Bugs Bunny. In this humble rabbit we see the spirit of a god.

Posted on: September 26th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: Clay Aiken's Gay But Still Horrible

Today’s Defendant: Clay Aiken Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: It has come to our attention that there is an abomination known as “Clay Aiken” who is taking up space in the world that we require for other purposes. We are…

Posted on: September 25th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: Blessed Are the Mob

Today’s Defendant: Indian Mob Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: “CEO murdered by mob of sacked Indian workers” runs the newsflash going around the internet, and we regard it in the spirit of gentle approval. Beatifications all around, perhaps?

Posted on: September 24th, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Pixar Porn

Today’s Defendant: Pixar Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Our eyes are not dazzled by your state-of-the-art animation; our hearts are not softened by your supposedly wholesome family fare. Disney pulled the same shtick in order to spread the same insidious…

Posted on: September 23rd, 2008 | Leave Comment

DAILY INQUISITION: Mickey Rourke at the Stake

Today’s Defendant: Mickey Rourke Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: The heretic in question is just about to make a major comeback in The Wrestler, a new movie by that tick Darren Aronofsky (pi, The Fountain) which is currently wowing everybody…

Posted on: September 22nd, 2008 | Leave Comment

Daily Inquisition: The Animals

Meerkat: Heresy; Elephant Shrew: Orthodox Daily Inquisition: The Animals Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: A child believes in many creatures unworthy of its faith, like the Komodo Dragon, revealed on mature inspection to be a mere hypertrophied alligator lizard which…

Posted on: September 19th, 2008 | Leave Comment