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Strokes: Pop! Goes Your Brain

“Aging is a process which we know will go from bad to worse, until it comes to the worst of all.” – Arthur Schopenhauer In Schopenhauer’s world, you’re not allowed to die quickly, the way people die in movies. You’re…

Apr 17, 2003 | Leave Comment

Mikey McFaul and the Three Bears: A Review of “Russia’s Unfinished Revolution”

This book is a four-hundred page testimonial to the intellectual and moral bankruptcy of the American Russia-watching mafia. In its pages, Michael McFaul condemns himself again and again with staggering non-sequiturs, self-serving lies, crude misrepresentations of his own past and the recent history of Russia, and repeated failures to meet even the most basic standards of academic rigor.

Nov 27, 2002 | Leave Comment

Quaker Cuts Off Our Johnson

No, we’ve been censored, by, of all people, David Johnson, a squeamish Quaker who runs the once-highly-influential Johnson’s Russia List… acting on the orders of his sponsor, a Democrat Party wonk and Stanford professor whose dedication to promoting democracy in the former Soviet Union is matched only by his relentless four-year campaign to censor and marginalize the eXile.

Nov 13, 2002 | Comments (1)

The War-Se, The Better

It was a week for do-it-yourselfers in the war world. A little lesson for us all, that you don’t need a lot of hardware to make war. All you need is the old standbys: hunting rifles, blasting caps, and trucks…

Oct 17, 2002 | Comments (2)

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Feature Story: The eXile Guide To European Hatred

The Europeans have turned against America in the War On Terror. They believe that Americans don’t understand a thing about the world. That Americans are ignorant, shallow and drunk with military might. In such a people’s hands, all that weaponry…

Oct 2, 2002 | Comments (2)

It’s D-Day In Zalambessa

Let’s see how well you know your military history. Give the date and place of this comminique: “Our Victorious Forces Liberate Zalambessa!! Our victorious and heroic air and ground forces have liberated the town of Zalambessa after completely annihilating the…

Oct 2, 2002 | Comments (5)

Future War: Hi-Tech Toys vs. Fanged Vermin

They asked me to think about how war would change over the next 150 years for the eXile’s anniversary issue. Weird to think about it: wars going on when you’re dead. My doctor told me it’s maybe 15 more years…

Sep 19, 2002 | Comments (2)

War Nerd: Make America Roman

Last column I asked readers to suggest wars that’d be more fun for the US to get involved in than Colombia. I got some great answers — and thanks everybody who wrote in — but when I looked into the…

Sep 6, 2002 | Comments (6)

Colombia: A Hundred Years of Slaughtertude

Every day America gets deeper into the shit in Colombia. We’re dumping planeloads of cash on the Colombian army — $1.5 billion is what Rumsfeld’ll admit, so you gotta assume it’s more like ten billion with the rest squeezed through…

Aug 22, 2002 | Comments (5)

Spain vs. Morocco: Two Muppets Du Iwo Jima

This year’s Oscar for best military comedy has to go to the island-claiming “war” between those great military powers, Spain and Morocco. It was a sidesplitter from beginning to end. Just imagine the battle of Iwo Jima turned into a…

Jul 26, 2002 | Comments (10)

Iraq 2: Here Comes the Dumb-Ass Sequel

Waiting for Dubya and his Texas cronies to decide whether to hit Iraq is like waiting for Christ. It’s so goddamn slow, and you start kinda doubting it’s gonna happen at all. American tv reminds me of Sunday school teachers…

Jul 25, 2002 | Comments (4)

War Nerd: What’s a Chechen?

What’s a Chechen? It sounds like the start of a joke, but there’s no punchline. I’m supposed to write about the war in Chechnya this issue, but…the war itself is kind of interesting, but something’s missing. Maybe you don’t realize…

Jun 28, 2002 | Comments (7)

War Nerd: Altar Boy Vs. Altar Boy In Uganda: Introducing The Lord’s Resistance Army & Joseph Kony

  I told you so. Told you nothing would happen with India and Pakistan. Told you the whole idea of “Hindu militants” was laughable. But Christian militants — that’s a whole ‘nuther thing. Christians are stone killers. You put a…

Jun 26, 2002 | Comments (6)

War Nerd: Fag vs. Fag: the India-Pakistan Phoney War

Will India and Pakistan ever finish the cat-fight and get on with a real war? “We live in hope,” like my grandma used to say — but don’t hold your breath. Listening to the Indian and Paki generals shaking their…

May 29, 2002 | Comments (4)

War Nerd: Tom Clancy Is Not One of Us

My first fan letter from the eXile was an email from some guy in Michigan who wanted the latest news on Tom Clancy. Yeah sure, that’s why I’m here — to help you kiss that rich fat coward’s ass. For…

May 16, 2002 | Comments (13)

War Nerd: Israelis On Wheels!

Ever seen a Monster Truck show? They’re big in Fresno. The thrill is watching civilian cars get crushed by giant 4×4′s. But it’s nothing compared to the monster truck show the Israelis have put on in the last few weeks….

May 1, 2002 | Comments (3)

Meet The War Nerd: Gary Brecher’s First Article

Ames asked me to write a column on how all the wars are going, kind of a war reviewer. And I said yes on one condition, that you people don’t send me emails telling me liking war is a sign…

Apr 21, 2002 | Leave Comment

How I Harassed The Working Class: Dr. Dolan’s Skirmish With Poet Jim Daniels

This is an eXile classic, first published in The eXile on March 6, 2002. I‘m a harasser. Put the cuffs on me; I harassed the working class. And it wasn’t even fun. It’s not like I groped some factory girl…

Mar 6, 2002 | Comments (21)

Book Review: Trainspotting With Guns…

Made in Yugoslavia By Vladimir Jokanovic Translated by Zeljana Zovko and Cathy Porter Picador, 2001 Ah, we’re already nostalgic for the little wars of the nineties, especially the colorful Balkan popups, with their quaint rituals and goofy flags. Remember those…

Nov 4, 2001 | Comments (1)

Crouching Camel-Toe, Hidden Snapper

Her name was Wana. My first and only slope. I boned her last night. I done-did her right here in Kentucky, in the heart of the Bible Belt. Wana didn’t say, “Me so hoh-nee, me love you long time!” Instead,…

Sep 7, 2001 | Comments (2)

Letter From America: I, Mark Ames, Goes Lesbian Yenta

In the Reagan years alternative culture trends came and went with such speed that only a desperate fool tried to keep up. I was a desperate fool, and I tried at times to keep up, but I was too slow…

Aug 23, 2001 | Comments (2)

Feature Story: COMBED OVER!!!

It all started two weeks ago. There is a certain person, whom I will hereafter refer to as a Little Birdie, who often sends the eXile materials and ideas for stories and pranks, without getting any credit for contributing. Two…

Aug 10, 2001 | Comments (2)

Press Review: Tell US What You Think!

The eXile is soliciting commentary on the following article, written by Michael Wines of the New York Times. We need your help in attaining a more perfect understanding of this article. Send your comments to editor Matt Taibbi at taibbi@exile.ru,…

Jul 26, 2001 | Leave Comment

Feature: New York Times Hack Eats Horse Sperm Pie

His name was Pobornik. He had never read The New York Times. He would never be able to recognize a classic “pyramid lead.” His hours were occupied by other pursuits: grazing, sleeping standing up for long stretches, swatting away insects with…

Apr 5, 2001 | Comments (8)

Moscow Babylon: Free Edward Limonov

In the autumn of 1998, I got a call from Edward Limonov asking me if I could do a favor for him. His newspaper Limonka—known for its mix of extreme politics and avant-garde aesthetics—was preparing to celebrate its fourth anniversary at…

Mar 11, 2001 | Comments (1)