A couple of years ago I mentioned that Ethiopian troops were occupying Mogadishu and said it was the perfect experimental setup for us. Now we could find out if anybody could pacify that place.

Well, the answer’s in, because the Ethiopian army just announced that it’s quitting Somalia as soon as it can sign a phony agreement with the nearest Somali faction. They’ve had it.

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Today’s Defendant: White America

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Today we write in praise of White America. It’s long overdue, says Frank Rich, the New York Times columnist. He wrote a recent article called “In Defense of White America” in which he argues that we’ve all misjudged the Caucasian Category in this country and owe it a big apology. The media, in particular, has tagged White America as racist and therefore unlikely to vote for a black man. But now that Barack Obama is up in the polls, we see how wrong we’ve been. Look how free of prejudice White America is! A teeming mass of tolerance, that’s White America for you, says Frank Rich.
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Today’s Defendant: When Animals Attack!

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: There used to be this tremendously moral show on TV back in the 1990s called When Animals Attack! It was all about how you should respect animals or else suffer the appropriate consequences, i.e. being ripped limb from limb in front of an appreciative audience.

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No way.

Actually, I refuse to review High School Musical 3. We all know it’s rotten.

Which brings me to my point: where the hell are the movies? I mean the ones for mass audiences, designed to make sentient beings want to go see them? Especially the comedies…people used to go to them and laugh…they had a good time…any of this ring a bell? Did they stop making those and nobody announced it, or what? It’s kind of important.

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The Damnation of Ashley Todd

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Little need be said here. What does a Texas Republican know about stigmata? What could an Anglo-Saxon understand about self-mutilation? (more…)

You may not have noticed it, but a couple of weeks ago, the New York Times slipped in a story that completely contradicted a narrative that it had been building up for two straight months, one that was leading America into another war–a so-called “New Cold War.” The article exposed the awful authoritarian reality of Georgia’s so-called democracy, painting a dark picture of President Mikhail Saakashvili’s rule that repudiated the fairy tale that the Times and everyone else in the major media had been pushing ever since war broke out in South Ossetia in early August. That fairy tale went like this: Russia (evil) invaded Georgia (good) for no reason whatsoever except that Georgia was free. Putin hates freedom, and Saakashvili is the “democratically elected leader” of a “small, democratic country.”

Yes, it was only a month ago that we were stupid and crazy enough to think that the United States had no choice but to launch a costly new cold war against a nuclear power, even though we still haven’t closed the deal on a couple of mini-wars against Division-III opponents, and we were on the verge of bankruptcy. Ah, to be blissfully naïve–and bloodthirsty at the same time–wasn’t it wonderful? (more…)

The Good Book: You Can’t Win

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: There are few good books. You Can’t Win by Jack Black, a forgotten memoir of the 1920s is a very good book. For that, we honor it.

This Jack Black is not the doughboy hamming it up on your DVD. This is a much better Black. (more…)

The Canonization of Andrew Lahde

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Though Kenny Rogers will never write a song in his honor, Andrew Lahde is what redemption looks like. Or, more to the point, sounds like. Lahde spent the first part of his life wallowing in filth as the manager of a “hedge fund” which earned him a lot of money taken from the rich and stupid. So far, so bad. But Lahde had the sense to walk away with a mere few million, and the uncommon decency to spit the truth at his former colleagues.

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Don’t be fooled by how amusing this image looks.

You ever sit through the rough cut of your friend’s independent film? Well, I have, lotsa times, God help me, so seeing Oliver Stone’s W. really brought back some nauseating memories. It seems to run about eight hours and is so boring, so fatheaded, and so full of lame attempts at profundity that it’s just like the rough cut of almost every terrible independent film ever made. You can practically feel the director sitting behind you while it unspools, breathing on the back of your neck and willing you to see the brilliance of his vision.
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Today’s Defendant: The Simpsons

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: We might as well stop beating around the bush and have the whole show canonized, if that’s possible. If not, all the characters can be saints, right? Or would it have to be Matt Groening and his team? Whatever, we’ll work it out.
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